


To Himling: Notes

by vetiverite



Series: Himling Extras [4]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Brain Injury, Brothers, Coma, Consensual, Durin Family Angst, Durin Family Feels, Durincest, Dwarf Culture & Customs, Dwarven Ones | Soulmates, Dwarven Politics, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Espionage, Gentle Sex, Ghost Thorin, Ghost Thrain, Hurt/Comfort, Husbands, Intrigue, M/M, Not-So-Gentle Sex, Post-Battle of Five Armies, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Seizures, Sibling Incest, Sibling Love, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Supernatural Elements, Tauriel? Who's Tauriel?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:14:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26010970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vetiverite/pseuds/vetiverite
Summary: Annotations out the wazoo for the seriesTo Himling.
Relationships: Fíli & Kíli (Tolkien), Fíli/Kíli (Tolkien), Nori (Tolkien)/Original Female Character(s), Ori (Tolkien)/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Himling Extras [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1913266
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7





	1. PART ONE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Hello and welcome! Do you like_ To Himling _? Do you like author notes? Oh boy, are you in trouble._
> 
> _While I write, I jam all sorts of observations and annotations into my rough drafts. And then I save them on flash drives, and then I lose those flash drives, or step on them, or snap them off in my USB port, or run them over in my car... I fully expect to drop my new flash drive in a blender and accidentally puree it. So I reckon posting my saved-up chapter notes here is the best way to rescue them from the path of certain danger. And if they make for a halfway interesting read, I'm glad._
> 
> _Each chapter of this work contains the notes for a part of_ To Himling _. Within each part, the chapters will be listed in order, with their notes. I also plan to backlink each part of the story to its corresponding notes so that people can jump here and read more, y'know, STUFF. It is a blend of canon, fanon, personal headcanon, trope, nerdity-nerdness, personal angels and demons, and above all, fiction._
> 
>  _Deepest, deepest thanks to MSilverstar and Linane, who have provided both feedback and encouragement that helped me to keep this story through all its evolution... to everyone who's read_ To Himling _and left comments (I'm so glad you like traveling with me)... and to the Dwarven Scholar for the simply tremendous_ Neo-Khuzdul Dictionary. _Jeezy Creezy, how anyone survives without it, I have no idea._
> 
> _If you have any questions or observations, please do comment and I will attempt to justify my weirdness with yet more weirdness. Thank you!_

**1 languages**

This opening chapter may not plunge right into the storyline, but it is intended to a) establish the main motif of communication as a road to intimacy and b) introduce the Khazâd as a diasporic people who place a high value on privacy and secrecy, the only constants in an ever-shifting rootless life.

 _Dwarvish cant_ is a system of shibboleths comparable to occupational slang (i.e. waitress lingo). It separates unwitting outsiders from those in the know. This is most useful to craftsmen whose work is haggled over by strangers. Similarly, runes have both alphabetic (written) and phonetic (voiced) meanings and can be used to convey both ordinary and hidden meanings, and again separating outsiders from those privileged to receive Khuzd secrets.

 _Forge talk_ is a more secretive form of communication than rune-writing because it can only be interpreted one way by those familiar with the code. To outsiders it only sounds like noise, just as Morse code only sounds like a rhythmless series of taps and beeps to non-coders. As for _way-signs_ , these are inspired by Romani patrin and American hobo signs; unlike other Khuzd communication systems, they may be shared with friendly outsiders.

The “signs of hand and body” are, of course, _iglishmêk_. This mode of communication carries a great deal of expressive potential, highly suited to an emotional people. In dangerous situations, it’s short, sharp, and brief; in the safety of home, it’s relaxed, fluid, and probably very beautiful to watch. After the war, Dís and her sons enjoy evenings in which they communicate ONLY in _iglishmêk_ , mostly for the sake of Kíli who is self-conscious about his speech impairment.

Canonically, _Khuzdul_ is a highly formal language transmitted to each dwarf by their father (or the nearest father-figure). It never changes over time, and it never accepts newly-coined slang terms, as it was created whole by Mahal and must be kept as is. It is, however, a richly colloquial tongue with marvelously pithy turns of phrase. That alone is worth preserving! Thorin would have been the boys’ tutor, likely starting with Fíli. Being five years younger, Kíli lagged behind and was left out. He felt that his brother and uncle shared secrets, confidences, and jokes that excluded him because he did not have the Khuzdul knowledge to fully grasp them.

In my head-canon, _cradle-speech_ is the ORIGINAL language spoken by all Khazâd, learned from birth and spoken with close family throughout life. I imagine it as a sweet, soft, sing-song tongue chock full of made-up words that only kinfolk will ever know. Even bad-ass Thorin spoke it with Dís and the boys.

RE: pronunciation. I rather resent Khuzdul being described as “harsh” or “unlovely”. When I sound out words from the NeoKhuzdul Dictionary, I find them filled with lovely sounds reminiscent of Yiddish, Hebrew, Old Norse, and Irish Gaelic forms at their most lyrical. Khuzdul FLOWS. It has HEART. Maybe outsiders deem it harsh because the ONLY time they hear it is when faced with hordes of Khuzd warriors baying for their blood.

RE: _Miralmizu_ (“I love you”) is the word that unlocks.

**2 anvil**

I started this project using the the Dwarven calendar to arrange plot events chronologically. I originally named the chapters after the Dwarven months, so this chapter was originally “Anvil Moon”. But then I began to see that the names actually reflected the story in a more meaningful way. Here, Fíli is “on the anvil” of war, beaten and bloodied, in the process of being shaped by experience as if by Mahal and his hammer.

Also, because I am a nerd, I actually worked out a complete chronology of events, to be appended to this document... eventually.

For Fíli, the “one word” that unlocks the innermost chamber is not _miralmizu,_ but his brother’s name. It takes him a long time to realize that they essentially mean the same thing. When he first “woke” as a child, it was due to Kíli; when he comes to after battle, Kili is his first thought.

**3 sanctuary**

Here, Fíli believes that his kin have chosen to euthanize him and Kíli to put them out of their pain and misery. As long as they can die together, he accepts and even embraces this plan. There would be no point in his living if Kíli were to die.

The motif of the ‘stone steps’ dream is repeated from time to time. It’s based on an actual dream I have quite often, and which always produces a sense of exhilaration and escape!

**4 soul**

To say that Fíli was five years old when Kíli was born is somewhat deceptive, for Dwarves live longer and grow more gradually than Men. Based on the Hobbit/Man age ration of 2:1, I follow the convention of setting the Dwarf/Man ratio at 4:1. Therefore, Fíli is between 1-2 human years old when Kíli is born; they are very close in age. On the quest, they were respectively 82 and 77—in other words, 20 and 19. Thorin, at 194, was equivalent to a Man in his late forties—still strong and attractive (and beginning to show some fetching silver hairs) Bilbo is 50 in Hobbit years, which translates to 25. If you are inclined to ship Bagginshield, this indicates that Bilbo is a bit of a daddy-chaser.

Some more equivalents are listed below:

  
**Thorin**  
Born 2746  
5 at time of Frerin’s birth (2751) - 1.25 equivalent in Men’s years  
14 at time of Dís’ birth (2760) - 3.5  
24 at time of Sack of Erebor (2770) - 6  
53 at time of Frerin’s death at 48 (2799) - 13.25; Frerin was 12 (Battle of Azanulbizar)  
104 at time of Thráin’s death (2850) - 26  
113 at time of Fíli’s birth (2859) - 28.25  
118 at time of Kíli’s birth (2864) - 29.5  
122 at time of troth with Ganin (2868) - 30.5  
140 at time of Ganin’s death (2886) - 35  
Died 2941 at 195 yrs old - 48.75

(Thorin and Frerin were mere adolescents when Thráin dragged them off to war to cure them of what he reckoned was an “unmanly” attachment. As they were each other's born "One", they had an emotional bond which he viewed as disloyalty to himself. Typical narcissist: if he can’t have all the love, no one else can have any.)

 **Dís**  
Born 2760  
10 at time of Sack of Erebor (2770) - 2.5 equivalent in Men’s years  
29 at time of Frerin’s death (2799) - 7.25  
79 at time of troth with Ganin (2839) - 19  
81 at time of Thráin’s departure (2841) - 20  
85 at time of marriage to Ganin (2845) - 21.25  
90 at time of Thráin’s death (2850) - 22.5  
99 at time of Fíli’s birth (2859) - 24.75  
104 at time of Kíli’s birth (2864) - 26  
108 at time of Thorin/Ganin troth (2868) - 27  
128 at time of Ganin’s death (2886) - 32  
181 at time of Thorin’s death (2941) - 45.25

Some more ages at the time of story (2942):

Fenja b. 2620 – 322 years - 80  
Dáin b. 2767 – 175 years - 44  
Dori b. 2827 – 115 years - 28  
Nori b. 2837 – 105 years – 26  
Haya b. 2855 – 87 years - 22  
Ori b. 2865 – 77 years - 20  
Jera b. 2868 – 74 years – 18

Nori and Jera (a dwarven OFC who comes later in the story) are, if not a May-December romance, at least achieve May-August with their age difference. Ori and Haya (another dwarven OFC) are a bit more suited, agewise.

The description of Fíli’s awakening by infant Kíli’s cry deliberately hearkens back to the Dwarven creation myth. Kíli cries again when Fíli lets go of his hand—not just because babies do that sort of thing, but because he feels the exact same sense of being torn asunder that Fíli does. Both believe from the first – even nonverbally – that they are their brother’s other half. It’s not a matter of one convincing the other to believe; they KNOW from the first. “Being one” is the absolute definition of their relationship.

When Fíli “claims” Kíli, it’s out of a sense of entitlement—of course he has to go get his other half! Being _nadad_ , he’s more possessive of Kíli than the other way around, because he’s older and has developed more agency (and upper body strength). As it happens, Kíli is perfectly happy being possessed; belonging to Fíli makes him feel very secure. They really are an odd pair, but also determined; they don’t fit themselves to others’ ways; other people have to get used to THEM, not the other way around.

**5 birthplace**

I try when I can to use Khuzdul rather than Westron or Elvish to indicate things such as place names being seen through Dwarven eyes. So instead of Ered Luin or the Blue Mountains, I use _Khagal’abad_ \-- but even that's insufficient. Fili and Kili would simply call it _home_ \-- and since this is their story, I follow their lead. There's an exception to this, though. Fíli and Kíli hate the Lonely Mountain so much that they use the "foreign" name for it - _Erebor_ \- rather than the Dwarven _Azsâlul'abad ._ To apply the language they love to a cursed place would sully their mouths. 

I conceive of Thorinutumnu as a mountaintop keep by the ocean. Smells and sounds such as are included here would be a part of Fíli and Kíli’s earliest memories. And while Thorin dismissively refers to Thorinutumnu as “poor lodgings”, that’s an example of a very important Khuzd tradition—verbally misrepresenting to outsiders what one wants to protect. Thorin actually _built_ Thorinutumnu. He _loves_ it; that’s why he wants you to think it’s a dirtbag hovel not worth invading.

**6 mother**

Professor Tolkien describes the Dwarven genders as physically indistinguishable-- equal in build, strength, and of course hirsuteness. Maybe he meant the reader to be repulsed at the idea of (as Gimli puts it) "little hairy women". But the joke's on JRR! Thanks to Peter Jackson's vision, we've seen that Dwarven MEN are appealing... and if that's so, Dwarven WOMEN are appealing too, goddammit.

In my mind's eye, Khuzd women are as beautiful and rare as wildwood orchids. Their physical strength & solidity is balanced by a dovelike softness that is powerfully endearing... and their hirsutism plays no small part in this softness. Dark, silky upper lip and jawline hair ranging from fuzz to full-fledged mustaches and beards. Bold, expressive, glossy brows. Lush fur in all the usual grownup places. Think Frida Kahlo… _preciosa._

If the Men of Middle Earth knew this, they WOULD want Dwarven women as wives, and they might even be willing to steal them. So what if the "facts" about Khuzd women are a protective fiction spread by Khuzd men? Being that girls are rare and therefore cherished, one would wish to shield them from intrusive eyes-- and being that all Dwarves are expert at secrecy and dissembling, the use of some "false advertising" couldn't go amiss. Tell strangers your mother/sister/wife/daughter is hideous and not worth pursuing, and he'll leave her alone. Or do as Glóin does in the film trilogy and flash around a portrait… just don’t tell them it’s actually of your warty old Uncle.

RE: nicknames. I see these as being a matter of intense personal connection. Only someone very close to a Khuzd – as Dís is to her cousin Dwalin – has the right to award them a nickname. _Tharkûn_ – “old man” is applied to Gandalf because the Durins particularly like and trust him; not many non-Dwarven friends would be extended this privilege.

**7 the island**

Thorin breaks my heart. He’s so lonely and hopeful, wishing to be the kind of grownup children will like. At the same time, his harsh upbringing prevents him from truly letting himself love and be loved. What if he is too easy on his nephews; what if they grow up too soft to rule a kingdom? In his secret heart of hearts, he longs to make them his friends. Hell, he longs for friends, _period_. Poor Thorin.

I wanted to give a glimpse of Fíli and Kíli being essentially and recognizably themselves even at this young age. Fíli has given this plan of his a good deal of thought; he’s even come up with practical solutions for various hitches in the scheme. As for sweet Kíli, he’s got his priorities straight—always jonesing for dessert!

**8 isolation**

Fíli and Kíli have an astounding number of nicknames for one another. Fíli calls Kíli _Kílimê, Yasthûnê, Banmûn_ (Beautiful Man), _Magrith_ ([Bear] Cub), ‘ _Ibinê_ (Jewel), and – his tenderest name of all - _Magahhûn_ (Morning Dove). Kíli calls Fíli _Fílimê, Yasthûnê, Ubraj_ (Marvel), _Alkhâd_ (Brightness), _Kidzul’nadad_ (Golden Brother), and _Akhrâm'adad_ (“Inner Name Father”, Master of My Inner Name). Additionally, Dís calls Fíli _Bannith_ (Treasure) and Kíli _Khashmith_ (Trouble). The latter is due to Kíli having been frequently ill as a dwarfling, and therefore a source of keen worry for his family.

**9 vigils**

It’s inevitable and wonderful that Peter Jackson’s films should inform fanfiction written about the characters of _THE HOBBIT._ Yes, indeed I envision Dean O’Gorman as Fíli— blue-eyed, golden-haired, self-contained, and short of stature. (The top of his head is about level with Aidan Turner’s eyes… or, if you prefer, his own eyes are level with Aidan Turner’s mouth. Yeah, I said it.) The detail of little Fíli learning to wield a weapon with his non-dominant hand so that he can hold Kíli in the other serves as an explanation of Dean/Fíli’s ambidextrous fighting style in PJ’s filmcanon.

Aaaaannd… introducing Fenja! She is described as “nurse”, but in fact she’s Dís and Thorin’s foster-mother and by extension Fíli and Kíli’s foster-grandmother. Make no mistake, she RUNS Thorinutumnu, as will be seen in later chapters.

**10 awakening**

Okay, so there’s a lot of potential tropes in this chapter: waking from coma, keeping each other warm, etc. Sue me. These things resonate. I flipped the cliche of “You’re awake! I’ll go get someone…” “No, no, stay with me… don’t leave me…” by having Fíli demand that KÍLI stay.

RE: Kili’s slurred speech - Fíli has probably seen his brother drunk a thousand times; by know he knows exactly how to interpret inebriated blather.

RE: the staircase—again, based on actual dreams I have all the time. It’s the first time Fíli’s ever reached the bottom; I think what he finds surprises and encourages him. Who wouldn’t want to escape to an underwater paradise populated by friendly creatures who are just there to play with you?

**11 messages**

Birds being somewhat totemic for Dwarves, I like to think they employ winged messengers—either by a set homing system, or by communicating with them in yet another secret language. After all, they use birdcalls as way-speech (“Hoot twice like a barn owl and once like a brown owl!”). OOH! Another dialect! _*adds bullet point to listy-list*_

Dáin’s a really good egg. He has no designs on the throne; he just wants to do what the family needs. He feels the loss of Thorin keenly but is stoic about his duties.

Would you like to know how nuts I am? I did all this ridiculous, detailed research – map comparisons, walking vs. riding speed estimates, terrains, the works – to figure out how long it would take Dáin to travel from Erebor to Thorinutumnu on horseback. And then I accidentally deleted the whole damn thing, go me. But at least I remember that he’d have to leave just after Blessed Green Fest in order to arrive by the Night of the Kill, factoring in rest-stops and visits to Dale, Mirkwood, Rivendell, Bree, and the Grey Havens along the way.

**12 struggling**

I recall reading in Barry Stevens’ _Don’t Push the River_ that she had difficulty speaking, focusing, and responding when she emerged from a full coma to a partial one. She even argued with her doctor about how tiring it was to remain alert, but he insisted she needed to keep trying if she wanted to recover. It was a difficult road, and it will be for Kili too, in light of the tangle of symptoms linked to his traumatic brain injury. These include seizures, automatisms, memory loss, post-ictal nausea and shivering, incontinence, motor control issues, speech and cognitive impairments, impulse and anger control issues, pseudobulbar affect (unexplained laughing/crying) and of course PTSD. And yet his essentially loving nature survives, and he remains the most emotionally switched-on Durin.

Ori-as-scribe is established canon, but his compulsion to write goes far beyond chronicling history. He is an inveterate communicator. If Middle Earth had telephones, he’d be in charge of the phone tree.

**13 shame**

Fíli’s not being brusque or uncaring with Dis here; he and his mother know one another so well that neither needs to speak, let alone explain themselves. And in a way, Dís is acknowledging that Fíli knows best what his brother needs. He has been taking care of him for a lifetime.

RE: Kíli’s difficulty in voicing words. Aphasia is very frustrating. You know what you want to say, but you can’t say it. The simplest words elude you. It’s ironic that “remember” is the word that trips Kíli up, but it’s also telling—he knows that his mind and memory are damaged, and it’s distressing to him that it should be so obvious to others.

**14 suffering**

RE: sidelocks – Tolkien conceived of the Dwarves as the Jews of Middle Earth, a wonderful boon for Jewish readers like myself! Peter Jackson picked up on this detail and gave his Dwarves braided _peyos_ , which makes this _maydele_ very happy.

RE: Fíli’s guilty night excursions—I did this as a child, all the time. If I’d had a fight with my parents, I’d think about how my actions made them feel, which led to me FEELING what they felt, and then I’d turn up crying by their bedside in the middle of the night, wracked with remorse. It used to drive them crazy, because most often they’d forgotten my slight. After a while they learned to use my own empathy as leverage against me. It was very painful. That’s why Dís doesn’t do that to Fíli here. Empathy goes both ways among the Khazâd.

RE: Fíli’s very tactile means of soothing Kíli – he does this by reflex, as a mother would; he’s probably done it even more often than Dís has had a chance to. This is not to say that Dís lacks maternal instinct – but Fíli has a lot more of it than Men do, and ample opportunity to act upon it.

**15 brothers**

More keeping each other warm, this time under furs! But why the hell not? It’s a lovely trope that keeps our two brothers snug as two bugs. As for the rug, I actually did some research into how large a bearskin would have to be to cover two full-grown Khazâd. A Kodiak-sized pelt (sans head, of course) draped sidewise over them would do the trick, as long as there were other blankets underneath. How would Beorn feel about this? Let’s agree never to tell him.

RE: Kíli nursing at Fíli’s breast – I know this may seem odd to some, but it’s a beautiful image to me. It shows how established the brothers’ emotional-comfort dynamic is. Fíli gives of his own self and body without worry; it doesn’t threaten his masculinity to let Kíli suckle. What he feels for his brother is more important to him than others’ opinions about what a man should or should not do. This deeply intimate act gives them both satisfaction. It also sets them up for serious oral fixations later in life.

Kíli’s strange laughter is a symptom of pseudobulbar affect, which in turn is a result of his head injury. It frightens him and drives him into himself. He misses Thorin so much he can barely speak; he is so stunned by Thorin’s death that he’s not even sure whether or not to believe it. Hearing it confirmed and his grief acknowledged by Fíli allows Kíli’s tears to come. Two halves of a cooperative whole.

RE: Himling. Yes! Just like it says in the title! And ALL OF WHAT FÍLI PROMISES WILL HAPPEN, ACTUALLY DOES, in time.)


	2. PART TWO

**1 return**

I like the idea of Fíli knowing how to cook but not how to clean up after himself. Typical spoiled kid. Also, he’s obviously cooking for Kíli, as there is honey involved.

I imagine Dwarven baths being a mixture of Turkish _hammam_ , Finnish _sauna_ , Jewish _mikveh_ and Japanese _ofuro_ —long soaks, purifying immersions, steam, birch twigs, rolling in snow, massage, hot stones, scented oils, etc. And maybe a little bit of good old sociable Lower East Side _shvitz unt kibbitz_ with towels and glasses of hot tea.

RE: training with Bhurin – the brothers’ experiences during and after the battle have taught them to be humble. They’ve figured out that they don’t know it all.

**2 neighbors**

Here, I wanted to show the Durins in their natural setting—keyword being “natural”. As transplants to Khagal’abad, Thráin’s children grew to like its close-knit folk and rough-but-cozy way of life. Dís raised her sons as real Khagal’abaders, and she instilled in them a love for equality between Khazâd that her father the autocrat positively disdained. It goes to show that a simple “trip into town” is a wonderful treat as much for the brothers and herself as for anyone else. They don’t view Thorinutumnu as the center of community life—or of power. They miss their neighbors and are eager to reestablish connection over hot bragget and a bit of gossip. Some royals _they_ are—and they’re all the better and more beloved for it.

**3 altar**

Fíli and Kíli choose the sickroom because they feel safe there—and more than ever, they need that window to see Himling. They sense the ghosts of PTSD coming and must have a dream to cling to, a safe place to escape to, if only in their imaginations. The argument that Kíli makes in favor of the sickroom is emotional, not logical; it’s true that Fíli would not have made the same kind of appeal. But he knows that Kíli speaks from truth, and that his reasoning is what the situation calls for. He keeps himself back to let his brother speak, and it works.

RE: Thorin’s harp – I envision the rest of the Company insisting that it go home with Fíli and Kíli via eagle. A harp is too personal an item to bury. Dís should have it.

RE: the memorial service – this encapsulates the kind of hall Thorin ran. The servants are part of the family, given an equal voice, free to speak their honest recollections of Thorin because they KNEW him. Thráin would probably not have had such loyalty from his household, because he’d keep the lesser Khazâd at arm’s length.

It doesn’t seem to me that Thorin surrounded himself with sycophants and yes-men. Balin, Dwalin, Óin, and Glóin are highborn Durins and his cousins besides, but they’re also quite plainly his friends. Ori, Nori, and Dori are more distant and down-at-heel kin, but he values them as much as his closer relatives. Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur are commoners, rank-and-file laborers, no one special—except to Thorin. He insists on their being part of his Company, not as hired servants, but as trusted pals. Unlike his father, he doesn’t pay much mind to rank. That’s why he attracts such loyalty from others. If Fíli were to rule, he’d follow in Thorin’s path.

**4 map**

Dwarven hair ornaments have their very own fandom and the tropes to match. I like (and so have adopted) the film/fan canon that every Khuzd has his or her own identifying hair ornaments. These are intensely personal, even sacred, and are not shared except in marriage or death. Durins in particular use a rectangular clip to hold the gathered hair of the crown in place.

To the above, I’ve added headcanon I share with others: that Khazâd have strong olfactory fixations. Deep in the earth where they may not be able to see, Dwarves can still SMELL one another; it follows that they would distinguish one another through scent markers. Khazâd mothers blend a different scented hair pomade for every one of their children to use throughout their lives. Every Khuzd becomes associated with their scent, and as scent is an emotional sense for an emotional people, the smell of a loved one’s pomade gives rise to powerful feelings of connection. Thorin’s pomade is rich and memorable, made of precious substances as befits a future king—but to Dís, Fíli, and Kíli, it’s just the scent of family love.

**5 phantoms**

Thus begins the PTSD phase of the brothers’ experiences. I base it partially on my own PTSD experience, and on war veterans’ written accounts. Every case of PTSD is different; Fíli suffers flashbacks and accompanying dissociation; Kíli’s hallucinations trigger his seizures as well as bouts of catatonia.

RE: Dís’ craft – even a princess must have one! Dís is skilled at fine, small-scale detailed work in silver, platinum, and _mithril_ (when she can get it, which even for the Daughter of Thráin, isn’t often.)

RE: Phantom odors – they’re the WORST. Mine are of garbage, roadkill, gasoline, electrical smoke, feces and chemicals. Brain tumors SUCK, people. Even the so-called "benign" kind.

RE: Fenja’s gift of smashables - when I was in PTSD recovery, I ripped up sheet after sheet of paper into confetti, wrote letters to my rapist and burned them in coffee cans, and almost took up the offer of a friend in law enforcement to go to the firing range under his supervision and blast away at paper targets to get the rage and anger out.

**6 frozen**

What I describe here was perhaps the most frightening symptom of my own PTSD while it was in the acute, active, crisis phase. In some aspects it resembled the “sleep paralysis” (catalepsy) I often experienced upon waking, but much more frightening. It could be triggered by a memory, a shock, or something that made me very angry (in which case it seemed to act as a sort of killswitch to prevent me from doing harm to myself or others). It could also occur as the tail end of a dissociative fugue. During an episode, I would be frozen wherever I was, sitting or lying down, eyes closed, my entire body screaming with agony. It felt like I was buried alive. If someone had tried to pick me up, I would have planked. These episodes felt endless. It could take hours to come out of one, by which time it hurt as much to move as it did to remain still.

Damn, but I wish I’d had Fíli to take care of me during my own episodes. How safe I would have felt; how well-tended and loved instead of all alone.

My inspirations for the description of Erebor were a) _The Haunting of Hill House_ by Shirley Jackson and b) _The Most Haunted House in England,_ Raymond Price’s famous account of his investigation of Borley Rectory. There's a reason terror is supposed to give you chills above any other sensation: it tends to inhabit cold, cold, soulless places.

**7 breath**

What I know of primal memory is this: we tend to repeat what we experienced earliest in life, because it brings us back to a familiar matrix, even one that is destructive or unhealthy. Under duress, Kíli returns to the moments after birth when he could not breathe. He re-experiences it, which forces Dís to re-experience it. Oddly, mother and son (and to a lesser extent, Fenja in her capacity as midwife) are united in past and present distress. Only Thorin and Fíli – who were not part of the birth drama – have the presence of mind to defy that dynamic and break the cycle of panic.

**8 safe**

The fear of breathing is one I know well. To describe oneself as “petrified” while in the midst of a catatonic episode is very apt; you’re turned to stone, and stone cannot expand and contract as a human ribcage ought

For Kíli, Himling is not yet a reality; it’s a state of mind opposite to the one in which he’s locked. He wants so much to GET OUT of where he is and GO TO a place of peace and wholeness. Fíli wants this too, but is more aware that the wish cannot be fulfilled yet. It hurts him to have to tell Kíli this, but he can’t lie, even to comfort his brother.

**9 father**

I have a headcanon that I might be alone in: Dís is asexual. She never had any desire for a lover or spouse; had she been a commoner, she would have married herself to her craft. But she was obligated to further the Durin dynasty, so she had to choose someone to marry. Enter her friend Ganin. He and Dis already knew and liked each other, and this made him a more tolerable candidate than any of her other suitors. But Ganin was not considered an equal by the royal Durins; though he was just highborn enough not to be considered a morganatic consort, Thráin opposed the union, convinced that Dis would be marrying beneath her station. 

Dis and Ganin made a wonderful team. Together they dutifully produced an Heir (to whom Ganin gave his golden good looks) and a Spare (to whom Ganin deeded his cheerful, guileless nature) before sexually calling it quits. Dís’ ejection of Ganin from their marital bed was essentially the act of a matchmaker—carried out to bring Thorin and Ganin together. When they become lovers, Dís is glad; she wants them both to be happy. She can be happy too.

Ganin’s death while orc-hunting hits sister and brother very hard, but in radically different ways. Ganin was Dis' husband in name and Thorin's husband at heart. Dis mourns and then moves on, but Thorin can't. His unassuaged grief compels him to take up the hopeless quest for Erebor.

**10 enemy**

At the root of Fíli’s repeated hallucinations is the _idee fixe_ that the orc he killed was the one that killed his father, and that they were destined to face each other in battle. Because he so strongly resembles his father, he wonders if the orc recognized him. But also, in a way, he recognizes _himself_ in the orc—a creature forced to go to war and die for a hollow cause. He cannot manage to depersonalize his enemy the way that others think he should.

**11 whispers**

It disturbs Fíli and Kíli to realize that while they went to war together, they did not EXPERIENCE the war together. They were in separate parts of the battlefield, and only Fíli saw Thorin fall. Having unrelated memories feels dangerously close to separation for the brothers; by telling their individual stories to one another, they’re trying to make it ONE story and join themselves back up along a scar line.

When Kíli says “Find me”, he doesn’t just mean “I’m here if you want me.” He also means “I’m still lost, please come and get me.”

**12 silence**

So about _iglishmêk_ : anyone who comes from (or has spent time in) a culture which communicates with hands and face just as much as with voice will surely recognize it. It’s not just a form of sign language, though that’s a large part of it. It’s nudges and grimaces and pointed looks and a little joyful dance-step. It enriches language like salt and fat enrich a sauce. I envision it as more of an enhancement of speech than a replacement for it.

Certainly one would use _iglishmêk_ in situations too dangerous for speaking. But one could also use it to carry on two conversations at once—one spoken, one silent. A dwarf could be talking, laughing, and arguing out loud with one companion while making comments to another across the room using _iglishmêk_. Such a skill would especially come in handy when dealing with non-Dwarves. Envision Thorin politely discussing a sword commission with a Breelander while simultaneously signing to Fíli and Kíli, “This guy’s a total idiot, he’s never even held a sword before, he’s buying it for his eight-year-old”.

Fíli and Kíli take _iglishmêk_ to the subtlest level, and they will take it even further. Sex, after all, is also _iglishmêk_ —a conversation meant only for those in the know.


	3. PART THREE

**1 the blessed green**

In the Durincest canon, the moment Fíli and Kíli begin to regard one another different occurs within a variety of contexts, from hurt/comfort to frisky fun. In my story, I wanted it to be sweet, sad, profound—and shocking.

Fíli has loved Kíli all his life. His attachment to his brother usually triggers affection and protectiveness—but he has never SEEN him like this, nor WANTED what he sees. Watching his brother experience pleasure makes him want to give him pleasure, too. For the first time, his body joins his mind and heart in response to his brother’s unveiled beauty. There’s no room for equivocating—Fíli is aroused. This has never happened before, and it scares him. And if he wishes he could do to Kíli what the doe is doing… Kíli wishes Fíli would do it, too. With eyes closed, he might even imagine it.

Kíli and Fíli may be soulmates, but this kind of fusion was never in their minds; once started, it may not be stoppable. If there truly is no turning back, this moment takes on a quality of loss and melancholy equal to the promise of joy and love. That bell in Fíli’s heart is ringing the knell of fate.

After a night of unrest, they wake up in the morning all flopped together in bed with the covers all rucky and one brother’s face in the other’s armpit, just like usual. For the time being, they’ve dodged their fate.

RE: hewing and roaring. Fíli’s personality is more subtle than Kíli’s, but his fighting style is not. It actually serves as a release for him—the one activity that allows him to shout and thrash around. Well… at least for now.

**2 diamonds**

The brothers are starting to flirt with one another! Without really knowing what they’re doing or why, they’re trying out these new, strange, nameless feelings to see how they fit. They’re sweet, tentative, clumsy as hell, and full of hope. I love them both so much. They keep testing one another, and they both keep passing. They dance a little bit closer to one another every time. Here, Fíli dares—and Kíli consents. TWICE.

They keep souvenirs of their beach day for the same reason that they keep going back to the deer forest. They want to relive – both together and alone – these feelings that they can’t act upon, yet or ever. And they don’t even know WHY they’re doing this, or what it MEANS. They are completely, beautifully unconscious of their own motives. Again, I love them.

The sand diamonds featured here are similar to _Cape May diamonds_ —pebbles of crystal-clear quartz that have been tumbled perfectly smooth in the surf of southern New Jersey. They have a uniqueness to them, especially in their clarity. MSilverStar suggested that although the Dwarves might consider them worthless, they may be related to the “white gems” beloved by the Elves, who after all are drawn to the sea. Perhaps sand diamonds wash up on the shores of the Grey Havens—or the Undying Lands.

A hint here that Fíli and Kíli have picked up a bit of craft from their mother. Silversmithing is a far cry from weapons-forging, but they spent as much time with Dis as with Thorin, so it makes sense that they would have watched her make jewelry.

**3 songs**

I have a concept that Dwarves of the Northern Khagal’abad (where Fíli and Kíli were born and raised) make music similar to Appalachian folk or bluegrass—melancholy ballads, dirge-like airs, etc. Later they’ll meet a group of young Dwarves from the southernmost Khagal’abad who play fierce, wild, klezmer-like music made for breathless dancing.

I think of Dís’ song as a melancholy plea to Thorin. In essence: _Why must you quest after stolen gold when Khagal’abad gives its humble riches to you freely? Why do you need to go to Erebor when you already have what you really need here at home? We love you; the Lonely Mountain does not. Why do you suffer and uselessly seek something that will only bring grief to us all?_

**4 crests**

Before she became Queen Victoria of Great Britain, little Princess Alexandrina Victoria was shown her own name in the succession and famously stated, “I will be good.” These words are usually interpreted as a precocious declaration of intent— i.e., “I will do what it takes to be an exemplary ruler.” I prefer to read it as the cry of a terrified child: “Please don’t punish me like this; I promise I will be good from now on.” Her tone was echoed by her grandson-in-law Nicholas II of Russia at his father’s deathbed: “I am not prepared to be a Tsar! I never wanted to become one!” That’s how I frame Thorin’s response to learning of his place in Durin’s Line: shock, resistance, sorrow. Fíli reacts by immediately looking for Kíli. He refuses to entertain a future in which his _naddith_ is not firmly planted by his side, sharing in his fate. His first action (after he’s had a chance to mull the situation over) is to reach for Kíli, choosing him over the crown.

**5 quarrel**

Fíli’s a sullen, spoiled little brat here—but Dís isn’t much better. True, she’s about to hand her son over to a system which cost her most of her family already, so naturally she’s a bit upset. Who knows better than she what it means to be the Heir? But her irritation really scalds Fíli. They’re unable to connect, even though their sense of impending loss is mutual and perhaps even identical.

As for the parallels/differences between Thorin’s and Fíli’s journey into kinghood... Born in 2746, Thorin first experienced battle in 2799 at Azanulbizar. He was 53 years old—three decades younger than Fíli is now. He became King of his people by default when his father Thráin II succumbed to gold sickness and wandered away in 2841. Thráin died in the dungeons of Dol Guldur approximately ten years later, enfeebled and insane. Obviously all this scarred Thorin deeply. In contrast, Fíli really has enjoyed a relatively trouble-free life. Unlike Thorin, he grew up nourished by parental (and avuncular) love. If the truth Dís speaks is unpleasant on the surface, it’s also a testament to her efforts to shield her sons from pain. She simply wants acknowledgment, and is not above using some good old Jewish _mameleh_ -guilt to get it.

**6 marked**

When my PTSD was active, I sincerely believed that when anyone left the house, I would never, ever see them again. I used to follow my family members to the front door and say goodbye to them as if it was the last time we’d part… even if they only would be gone for ten minutes. It drove them crazy, but what could I do? My object constancy had been blown to smithereens, and so has Kíli’s. He’s a ball of love and anger and terror here. Just like Dís, he fears losing Fíli to Erebor—but he and Fíli have never been truly separated before except in the throes of battle. To make matters worse, he has just started to fall in love. For him, Fíli’s departure is literally the perfect storm.

RE: The bite. This is a very powerful act when shared between two people who wholly trust one another. Controlled and consenting pain can create a weird, instant calm. Fíli and Kíli are marking one another so that while they are apart, the pain will remind them who they belong to. It’s a visible, tangible guarantee that a sand diamond simply can’t offer.

RE: Haya’s song: I only realized AFTER I wrote this snippet that it harkens back to the beach where Kíli tells Fíli that sea dragons stole him! That was the day they started to actively court one another, and Kíli feels miserable that Fíli could contemplate leaving him after the unspoken risks both have taken.

**7 hammer**

There’s both rue and pride in the way Fíli shows off his bite mark to Hahal. His _naddith_ is an intense handful, but he’s also completely unique and precious; Fíli views him as an object of romantic love and is secretly glad to be “owned” by him. Hahal’s understanding would probably screech to a halt on that thought.

**8 remember**

RE: Fíli’s pomade. Notice that this is a combination of CALMING herbs. Lavender pacifies the nerves; chamomile encourages sleep; fennelseed eases colic when taken by the nursing mother so that it comes out in her milk. Even that early, Dís recognized that her firstborn was an anxious babe needing to be soothed. In addition, chamomile smells like honey and sunlight—ideal for a golden child.

RE: Kíli’s pomade. All wildflowers of the meadow and heath. Melissa (bee balm) has a sweet odor; angelica seeds are spicy and sharp, while juicy green angelica stalks can actually be candied (something Kíli would love). Angelica and yarrow have protective properties; Dís’ choice of these flowers reflects her concern for her sickly child. But the blend also celebrates his sweetness, which must have been obvious even when he was a babe in arms.

RE: The contents of Fíli’s pack. This gesture of Kíli’s has many dimensions—remorse _(I am sorry; let me comfort you)_ , perseverance _(you will not forget me)_ , spite _(this is what you are missing)_ , generosity _(I will give you what I can)_ , pathos _(I cannot be apart from you; these things of mine have to take my place)_ , and challenge _(you want me; I want you— leaving won’t change that)_. The substitution of nightshirts is particularly meaningful. Kíli wants to be literally skin to skin with his brother. Since this is impossible, he sends along something soft to lie against Fíli’s skin and bring his mind back to their two bodies. The catkins are a touching token of their earliest moment of love, but very few things could say _MINE!_ with greater clarity or louder volume than Kíli’s leather cuff: _Put this on, and belong to me._

**9 mountain**

Here, Kíli has inadvertently forced his uncle to confront a reality he is not quite ready to face: Ganin’s death. The one person who helped him heal from the loss of his first love is now also lost. The catastrophic grief Thorin is experiencing is compounded by the fact that he is unable to speak of it to anyone. It’s pure torture. He attempts to cope with it by using what small amount of unoccupied time he has to fantasize about his lost love.

Just as Fíli said, Kíli has a talent for putting his finger directly on the meaning of things, especially when it is being concealed or suppressed. What he does not know, he still senses. He exposes secrets, but not on purpose, and he often does not understand what he’s brought to light. When others react badly to the exposure, he thinks they are reacting badly to him and assumes he has fucked up again.

Kíli can be a bit thick about certain things, but his instincts about others’ emotions are almost always spot-on. He knows nothing about Thorin’s relationship with his father, but he recognizes and feels Thorin’s pain as keenly as if it were his own. It may seem that he’s talking about the Mountain, but he’s FEELING for his lonely/alone Uncle. Ironically, if Thorin would only talk to his little nephew, he might find himself comforted.

Kíli is like Thorin may once have been, but taught himself not to be. Sensitive, empathetic, quick to offer his tears as a demonstration of fellow-feeling. Thorin had this quality criticized and ridiculed out of him by Thráin… and he went on to criticize and ridicule it in his nephew. Good thing Kíli has such a strong _nadad_ to defend him, but he does still carry a lot of pain—his own and others’. His cheerful, light-hearted demeanor may be what he was born with, but he has suffered knocks to his self-esteem and struggles with depression as Fíli does with anxiety.

**10 rough gem**

In my headcanon (and maybe others'), the Firebeards live in southern Khagal’abad on the other side of the Lhun Bay. Fíli has traveled east, but never south. The only full-blood Firebeard he knows is Minaen, mother of Gimli. Though it’s left unsaid which parent Gimli inherited his personality from, we know that Glóin is a dour character, as is his son in later years. But Gimli has a core of wry humor and volatility that could have been bequeathed by Minaen. Fíli will eventually meet other Firebeards, who are lively and cheerful.

“Fur-foot” is a literal translation of _zantulbasn,_ the Khuzdul word for hobbit. Dwarves seem to be split in their opinions of their diminutive neighbors. Perhaps they’ve wandered in exile so long, to see a folk so comfortable and complacent rankles them.

RE: court etiquette. Whatever opulence the Durins may have surrounded themselves with in the past, Dís enjoyed a normal upbringing under the guidance of a down-to-earth mother figure (Fenja) who, though a minor Durin herself, had no use for Thráin’s love of high-handed pageantry. Together, she and her charges turned their backs on the ceremonies of the past. Fíli and Kíli never learned them at all and have no interest in doing so now.

RE: Kíli as an indifferent scholar. It’s true he sometimes comes off as not quite the sharpest hook in the tackle box. His naivete and impulsiveness make him seem childish for one so big, especially next to Fíli, who is so studious and mature. But Kíli’s emotional intelligence is very great. Empathetic, insightful, and sweet-natured, he’s a natural caretaker and healer. His comprehension skills are more auditory than literary; he may not “get” what he reads, but he listens deeply, and his habit of thinking things through slowly and laboriously leads (eventually) to sound judgments. In the modern day, he might be diagnosed as having dyslexia, ADD, or another type of learning disability. But every disability is balanced by a gift, and Kíli possesses many of these.

Fíli is Kíli’s complementary equal. He grasps ideas very quickly but is a little slow in understanding people and relationships. The only person he really comprehends is Kíli. They speak the same language. Fíli accepts and loves his brother just as he is and is never embarrassed by him. He lets him speak freely and would never dream of mocking or humiliating him. He’s been rubbing Kíli’s back forever—to show support and acceptance, to demonstrate affection, to soothe Kíli’s pain, and to calm and ease him when he gets overexcited.


	4. PART FOUR

**1 honey-sweet**

I have this vision of Kíli being instinctively the sort of gentle, steady person toward whom animals (even insects!) would naturally gravitate. Beekeeping is a very slow, patient, absorbing practice. Despite appearing scattered and impulsive, Kíli really does possess the concentration required for hive-work. It seems natural to him than to Fíli, who – for all the stillness of his exterior – is inwardly too nervous and turbulent. The bees would sense that.

However, they might also sense that Fíli is happy. Kíli’s flirting with him! He’s glad that Fíli is staying and shows it by reviving their romantic talk, which pleases Fíli very much. Of course, he’s still self-conscious of it, mindful of propriety. He covers his uncertainty with horseplay and teasing, but really he loves it.

Fenja is spot on about Kíli’s loneliness. Yet Kíli is so sweet, so content with his lot, that he doesn’t complain. Now that he has Fíli’s pledge to stay, it’s easier for him to deal with solitude. He keeps to himself and sits quietly with his feelings. If he’s sad, he’s sad. If he cries, the bees don’t judge him. But it’s nice that Dís and Fenja match-make some friendships for him. We want him to be happy.

I imagine Kíli sitting in the courtyard. He is big, strong, fierce-looking, intimidating, not to mention surrounded by large stinging insects! The young blacksmiths are curious yet reluctant to approach. There was a time when they were just as cautious with Fíli—maybe even more so. After all, he is their Sovereign-To-Be. But he showed them that he doesn’t wish to be set apart; he longs to be with people his own age, to take part in their fun and be liked for himself rather than for his status. Is his younger brother the same?

Torli is the one to take the risk of finding out. Kíli looks at him and a shy, childlike smile crosses his face. It melts Torli’s reserve; he smiles back. There’s a bee in the palm of Kíli’s hand; without speaking, he lifts it up to show Torli. He doesn’t talk as he demonstrates how he pets the bee. Intrigued, the other smiths drift over. They ask questions and finally succeed in getting him to talk. His deep, gentle voice makes an impression on them, as does his sweet nature; they want more of it. From there, it’s a short road to friendship.

With their new friends, the Durin brothers lose their shyness. At the forge they can work hard and sweat like everyone else. Fenja and Dís made the right decision when they sought out working-class dwarves for the boys to hang with, rather than any highborn Khazâd. Thorin might have done the same. Thráin, definitely not!

**2 drunken**

I don’t know why, but I’m unreasonably proud of the paragraphs regarding Dís and the payment for ale, and Gimli and the payment for war. They sum up my own ideas about military culture and how detrimental it is to civilians. Though often presented as warlike and gruff, I believe that Khazâd are a creative rather than destructive race; they are foremost craftsmen, artists, and innovators, and most of their work appears to be dedicated to beauty and pleasure, not war.

**3 wounded**

Fíli is reminded of Kíli’s long-term coma; this is his version of separation anxiety, and he is upset and angry. Although the brothers have argued before, this spat is more charged than most. There’s a big difference between fighting over who is to eat the last honeycake… and expressing deep fear of abandonment.

By the way, do not fuck with Dís.

**4 the sacred doe**

All of the young Khazâd present in Fenja’s kitchen during supper know precisely what Dís is up to when she stalks through the room—and furthermore, they don’t question for an instant why Fíli obediently follows her. Every single one of their mothers did the same thing (and still do, in the case of Minaen who is still alive), and not one would dream of taking a defiant stance against the women who birthed them.

The brothers’ doe is their love incarnate—innocent, vital, fragile, endangered. While the love affects them both, Kíli especially feels a connection to the animal herself. It’s ironic that as an archer he probably hunted many of her kind. But never again.

Up to now, Fíli has sublimated his love for Kíli in the same way that he hid his diamond in the binding of a book. He has concealed it by calling it brotherhood, but it can’t be concealed anymore—it is provoking attention and questions to which he honestly does not know the answer. It scares him. He feels the slow slide toward an unknown change and knows that he and Kíli are losing their control over the outcome. He must admit to himself that he’s in love with his brother and must face the reckoning that is surely on its way. The flirting is over.

**5 mercy**

It may be a bit of a fandom trope, but my Fíli is a mild masochist. Hyper-responsible from an early age, he is naturally prone to anxiety and guilt. To his mind, punishment (and its corollary, forgiveness) offers release from overwhelming emotions. Kíli’s bite showed him something new: pain liberates. Some very gentle and judicious B&D would do this boy a world of good.

But Fíli is _nadad_ —the one who guides and steers. He is in charge. How will he get release? How will he learn to ask Kíli for what he needs? For the time being, he initiates play-wrestling with Kíli and prays to be pinned. Later he’ll guide Kíli to take charge sexually in a way that makes them both feel safe and whole. Even in the act of giving up control, Fiil is still in charge, and he makes good decisions for them both.

Luckily, Kíli has a cheerful submissive streak. His pleasure lies in obeying his _nadad_ ; he likes Fíli (and ONLY Fíli) to boss him around. Though bigger and stronger than Fíli, he’s very biddable—and a quick study. To quote Dís, “…he remembers everything he’s told, even if he sometimes needs help in putting it together. He learns things by doing them, and then he does them very well.” If Fíli tells him what to do and how, soon they’ll both be satisfied.

Kíli realizes just as much as Fíli that they are reaching a crisis point. At this moment, they’re afraid to talk to or touch each other because they both have an inkling where it might lead. They also know that they themselves have brought it to this point. They can only blame themselves if they have taken it too far.

**6 hiding**

Poor sweet sad brothers, how very much they crave the beautiful connection they shared on that fateful day back in the spring! Now it’s gone, and their bond is fraying, and they can’t figure out how to weave it back together. They opt to take symbolic comfort from the wearing of clothes belonging to Thorin, who is not there to help them. But never fear. Later this day, they will ditch Thorin’s clothing and take comfort entirely from each other.

**7 visitors**

Nothing seems more logical to me than that Fíli and Kíli would argue one moment… then in the next, meld together into a seamless wall of defiance against the opposition. They may be war heroes, but they’re still really just kids.

A detail I felt would tie Khazâd culture to Slav and Russian culture is the ikon of Durin in the great room. Since Khazâd design, create, and value art, they would seek to express spiritual devotion through ornate objects of striking beauty. (See the chapter “Holy Things”.)

**8 rage**

Fíli and Kíli have not misread the situation with their mother's visitors. Many Khazâd did not support Thorin’s “mad” scheme to recover Erebor; they preferred whatever comfortable lifestyle they had managed to preserve post-Smaug. The aldermen are using false sentiment to gain access to Dís and her sons, none of whom are fooled.

**9 heir**

When Kíli says he won’t go to Erebor, it’s no tease. He cannot act on his love for Fíli; even if it were returned, it is taboo— how would it survive others’ outrage? Furthermore, Kíli knows that the Durin line depends on the Heir siring a boy child. The thought of Fíli mating with someone else is torture to Kíli; he can’t imagine being there to witness it day in and day out. With his declaration, he’s forcing the issue between them: _I am powerless except to make one choice. Yet for all your power, you must choose, too. Stay with me or go, love me or leave me, claim the Throne or claim me._

It’s out there now. Fíli would like Kíli for a mate, and now he gets the hint that Kíli would like this as well. Too bad that neither can see it as an option—at least not for the moment. Give them an hour or two.

I view the deep cistern in which the brothers bathe as a _mikveh_ , where total immersion purifies both spirit and body. Some baths are for getting clean; others offer sensual and emotional relief. This one is specifically to purge the whole self of an affliction— in this case, anger.

**10 the high sun**

For a long time, Fíli has thought of Kíli as “mine, for me”—a phrase of vague meaning, but one that he has always taken as fait accompli. But now Fíli thinks of actually TAKING his brother and MAKING him his. The truth is that Fíli cannot love Kíli’s soul only; he wants him physically as well. His love is total; until it can be given bodily, it is incomplete. Up to now, that desire has remained buried. Wine, steam, despair, longing and loss have given it permission to surface.

When I say Fíli must hide himself, I mean exactly what I imply. The thought of possessing Kíli makes Fíli hard. He is full to the brim with denied passion and it is all coming out front now in the most literal, undeniable, _visible_ sense. If he doesn’t turn quick, there will be no way to hide it, because it’s going to POKE KÍLI IN THE ASS. Fíli tries to lessen his desire with pain (as always, punishing himself) but Kíli accepts it. Wants it. Offers himself for it.

Of all their many nicknames, “Mim” is the most loving one Kíli has ever called Fíli. He says it now because at this moment, he really needs to connect the man kissing him to the sibling he has always known and adored—and he wants to assure Fíli that he makes that connection, and that it’s okay.

“…each finally felt what the other wanted him to know.” This is a subtle, roundabout way of saying that they’re totally turned on by one another and finally, FINALLY unafraid to show it (a good thing, too, because there is NO hiding it). They are so ready. From this point it’s going to get clumsy and messy and heartfelt and unbelievably hot, and it’s going to cement these two together like _whoaaaahhhh._ No sleep for Los Bros Durin tonight!


	5. PART FIVE

**1 forgiven**

Oh, Fíli in the bedroom, all calf-eyed and gooney-mooney-Juney! So inhibited, and then so NOT. The thought that once shocked him – _You are so beautiful_ – has become the thought that is most natural. Now he can say it out loud without fear of rejection.

I admit that when I think of Kíli, I DO envision Aidan Turner, who really CAN grow a wicked beard. He’s also got gorgeous, thick, sexy black body hair (when they’re not pruning and shearing it for Poldark, alas). So while some prefer a delicately stubbled Kíli with mysteriously sparse body hair, my Kíli is a big ol’ bear with a big ol’ beard and one hell of a fucking treasure trail to follow south.

**2 blessing**

Dís is really a _mameleh_. No matter how old her boys are, she’s going to tell them what to do, and they’re going to obey. But she gives them so much tender love, it’s not hard for them to heed her. They are sweet, sweet boys—but she doesn’t know everything. Yes, they are drunk—on each other. And you bet your ASS they were up all night, and don’t you DARE ask why.

**3 peace**

I loved writing this section SO MUCH. These boys and the women who love them! And new nicknames to commemorate a new level of relationship. Life, right at this moment, is gorgeous and ideal.

**4 vow**

Through the slightly childish act of playing with Fíli’s hand, Kíli is communicating that they are still brothers and he doesn’t want to lose that, regardless of whatever may be about to happen. Luckily, what’s about to happen is amenable to them both. The brothers have discovered necking and it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. They’re going to be kissing on each other every chance they get from now on.

The oath the two brothers take is really important. They want to fuse themselves so that they can never be taken apart. Just as much as attraction and affection, it’s the FEAR OF SEPARATION that has compelled them to go further than most brothers go. They are determined never to let any sundering happen from this point onward.

**5 healing**

I love writing about the brothers’ daily routine. Despite their recent leap into a very risky unknown, this is the most normal they’ve been since the story began. It felt good to give them some gentle times.

Sex leaves people sated and drowsy, so upon waking one might want one’s lover to enjoy the glow for just a little while longer. For Fíli to give Kíli fifteen more minutes, safe and cozy and enfolded completely in their combined body warmth and musky love-scent—this is a very caring gesture on his part.

My conception of Khuzd spirituality is simple. It’s a folk faith more than a religion, so it relies more on personal prayer and honoring of ancestors than on high ceremonial group rites. A Khuzd prostrates him or herself soon after awakening (this being meaningful to their mythology) and prays to Mahal, the Lady of the Earth, and departed kin for protection, luck, insight, and blessing. They like to bring objects together into little votive shrines; where space permits, they make larger and more ornate altars, beautifully decorated and lit. They feed house spirits and ghosts, curate ancestral heirlooms, shun cursed places and objects, and hide a great many little talismans and luck charms on their persons. They may not fear death or the afterlife, but they DO believe in sprites and tommyknockers.

RE: Fíli’s studying. Ninur may not be present, but he did take notes about Thorin’s collection, and I’m sure he left a list of titles that he wants Fíli to start reading. No doubt Dís stands over him as maternal enforcer—not that she has to, for Fíli is unusually bookish for a Durin. As for Kíli, the pastime of beekeeping helps his injured brain to mend. In a way, it is equivalent to Fíli studying. The brothers are both exercising their minds.

Kíli has gradually recovered some of his speech; he stutters less with his mother and Fenja and even more seldom with Fíli unless he is excited or upset. Often he does not speak at all when he feels relaxed and safe with people whom he knows and trusts well. Conversely, when he feels threatened in social situations, he keeps his mouth sealed shut. To outsiders he appears brooding or intimidating because of his silence, but he is far more scared than they are.

**6 sacred**

Some people see oral sex as a power move, with the receiver dominating the giver. I see it the opposite way—the giver is taking charge and doling out the pleasure while the receiver comes undone. Besides, it’s not only Fíli experiencing satisfaction. Kíli has a huge oral fixation; sucking puts him right THERE.

I purposefully omit mention of what exactly Fíli did to hurt Kíli. But overeagerness + lack of preparation = potential injury. It won’t happen again, Fíli promises. On the other hand, Kíli knows what Fíli needs—to be pinned down when he feels scared or out of control, and to be dealt a bit of consensual pain by the one he trusts most in the world. Finally he’s getting what he needs, but also safely under his own control.

The brothers know their love is transgressive but they believe they have earned a right to it through all they have suffered. It’s an act of defiance against the machine of state that threatens to swallow them up. It even defies death. They feel this cannot last, though they wish it would. Their doom is to be King and Prince of a nation, not two private citizens behind closed doors.

**7 honor**

RE: “Can I?” This had originally been “Are you sure”? Oh Christ, the biggest trope of all! I think I wrote it just to get it out of my system. OF COURSE Fíli is sure. Jeez.

RE: “I’ll show you.” This had originally been “I don’t want to hurt you”—the SECOND biggest trope in the book. Kíli knows how anal sex works; he’s received— how could he not know how to give? What’s more, Fíli wants to be fucked just as much as Kíli wants to fuck him. Kíli should feel glad and confident about this, not tentative and antsy. He’s not going to hurt Fíli. He’s going to make him come. HARD.

RE: the unguent jar. The proverbial “little vial of oil” seemed too much of a trope. First of all, supply. These randy little jackrabbits do it on the daily, so they need more than a “little vial”. Second, viscosity. Lube for anal sex generally has to be thicker and more tenacious than your average slip-slide. It seemed to me that an unguent – basically, a creamy beeswax/oil blend – would do the trick and be readily available in somewhat bigger quantities. Especially because Kíli keeps bees. To what better use can he put all that wax than to make lube for himself and Fíli? I ask you.

I loved boosting the playfulness of this scene. Joyful, excited Kíli, eager to begin, intent on bringing his Fíli ecstasy and making this experience not only good for him, but fun. Fíli – equally joyful, equally excited – trusting his Kíli completely to get him around every blind corner. The “discovery of the magical prostate” is another fanfic trope, but who wouldn’t go on that quest? Fíli has the desire and Kíli has the map—and unlike Uncle Thorin, he’s not going to get them lost. Plus, by now he can find that blue-white fire with something more than his finger. FUCK YEAH.

**8 pretending**

The summer caverns were Inspired by the Naica Cave in Mexico, where enormous spars of selenite grow in all directions like tree trunks. Honestly, they are so massive, it’s humbling to imagine that we think _we’re_ the masters of creation.

RE: wrestling. Positionally speaking, there’s no bottom/top in the brothers’ relationship. They take turns. Oh boy, do they take turns. So as much as Kíli doesn’t mind losing, I bet he likes winning, too.

RE: Kíli’s hand-signs. He uses them more than Fíli in this conversation because his speech difficulties are stress-triggered. When he is tired, confused, upset, or emotional, he is less likely to be able to get his thoughts channeled properly through his mouth.

**9 slow**

So. Some believe that penetration is the be-all and end-all of M/M lovemaking. Everything has to lead there or it's not complete. But if Fíli and Kíli would prefer to take several hours to share some gentle, respectful, achingly relentless and insanely HAWT edging, who am I to stop them? They’ve been practicing deliberate abstinence for days, and their desire is at a peak; they can keep it there as long as they wish. When you slow things down, there’s so much more to feel. And remember what I said about lovemaking as _iglishmêk?_ Fíli and Kíli are communicating the entire time, with hands and tongues and direct gazes. What’s better than that? (I’ll tell you what: frotting. It’s so fucking hot that there are entire BLOGS devoted to it. Not everything has to be in-and-out. Sometimes it’s more against, up and down, again and again…)


	6. PART SIX

**1 held**

The anecdote about the brothers’ hands was inspired by something a friend of mine told me about crossing the US/Mexico border with his younger brother. He was six, his brother five. Their mother could not cross with them; she would join them later. Before entrusting them to the hands of the _coyote_ , she instructed her sons not to utter a single word to anyone or to let go of one anothers’ hands until they saw her again. Terrified, they obeyed her to the letter. Their hands fused together so tightly that they literally couldn’t let go, even when they were safe. Just as I describe here, their little fingers had to be forcibly worked open by bewildered relatives on the American side. Ever after, the brothers shared a closeness that could not be described—so powerful they barely had to speak. If one didn’t come home on time after work or school, the other would cry and vomit out of sheer anxiety—not just because of _las migras_ , but because he knew that if tragedy were to strike, his brother’s fate would be his own.

**2 signs**

RE: table manners. Even boys as non-toxically masculine as our pair get competitive with each other, particularly where food is involved. It’s when they STOP vying for the tastiest morsel that Dís notices. Sharing their cup is something a married couple might do—Dís recognizes this because she and Ganin did the same.

RE: the brothers’ swapped hair ornaments. Another trope—look, I know. But ten thousand fans can’t be wrong. Sometimes these things just get canonized, and who am I to buck a good trend?

**3 full moon’s light**

What torment here for Mama Dís! She recognizes her sons’ embrace from her memories of her brothers… and she recognizes Fíli’s palm kiss because she has received it as well and knows what love the gesture carries. But there’s no other conclusion she can come to. What she does with it at first is painful, even hateful, but it’s necessary to the development of her character and the story. This revelation is not soft on anyone.

**4 truth**

Dís and Fíli love one another, but they’ve clashed before. He’s fully as headstrong and opinionated as she is; their verbal scrapping (like Thorin’s with Fenja) is both expected and secretly relished. But this time is different. Dís’ rage centers on the erroneous belief that Kíli does what Fíli tells him and is incapable of making his own decisions. She jumps to the conclusion that Fíli has imposed his will on his “weaker” sibling. It never occurs to her that Kíli is a willing AND EQUAL partner in his relationship with Fíli. She thinks of him as a child without agency, even though he has left home, traveled widely, and even fought in a war. He’s her child, but no longer a baby. Rather than acknowledging this as a natural inevitability, she blames it entirely on Fíli. This is the worst fracture their relationship will ever endure.

**5 wolves**

I think that Kíli has always been easily intimidated by his family. Being the biggest, tallest, or strongest does not necessarily equip you to deal with personalities as forceful as these. He does regress when others are angry. He’s a people-pleaser and it completely undoes him when he cannot please.

Fíli’s angry, possessive tone is new, unlocked by Dís’ banishment. He expresses himself passionately, but Kíli is already too frightened to respond positively to it. His brother’s outburst only scares him more—and that’s why Kíli bites Fíli’s hand, to show how frightened he is, to make him stop.

“Cub” is Fíli’s age-old nickname for his clumsy, impulsive, adored (and occasionally bitey) brother. Once he used it teasingly; now he uses it purely as an endearment. He is aware how close Kíli has come to being plunged into a terror and is sorry for having pushed him there.

In turn, Kíli knows what he needs, and he knows Fíli will gladly give it. Here, I feel I must state strongly and absolutely once again that there is nothing sexual whatsoever about Fíli nursing Kíli. The latter is seeking the greatest comfort he knows, and the former is eager to give it, knowing how terribly upset his _naddith_ is (and keenly guilt-stricken for having brought it about). He has finally begun to scare himself. This is a dangerous mood, and it comes close to crossing a dangerous line.

**6 visions**

What Dís saw of Thorin and Frerin all throughout her youth informs her acknowledgment here. She knows a fated pair when she sees one. It was confusing enough when it was her brothers. But these are her children. She knows Fíli is neither depraved nor insane, but she is distraught enough to grope for it as a sort of alibi for herself. Obviously, if her sons are mad, she cannot be held responsible for their actions even though she raised them and has ignored the signs for a long time. Almost instantly, she retracts this. The better angel of her nature prompts her to reach out to Gandalf, who is known for his carefully-considered actions and sound advice.


	7. PART SEVEN

**1 guardian**

As I see it, Fenja understood Thorin’s shyness and developed a snarky repartee with him as a way of stoking his courage and mental acuity. Thráin wasn’t the sort of father one could talk back to or be sarcastic with, but Fenja enjoyed a bit of backtalk. She liked to see Thorin exercise his courage; she did what she could to build up his self-esteem against his “fool” of a father.

RE: Fíli’s sham defiance. A mother who demands is a mother who cares. Dís’ complete silence and absence is more terrifying to Fíli than her anger, because it implies that he means nothing to her. Fenja doesn’t give him any hope on that account… but neither does she take his hope away.

**2 courage**

Fenja’s kitchen truly is a haven. The entire family gravitates toward it instinctively.

Kíli remembers the elders, Ninur, and the aldermen as invaders who threatened his bond with Fíli. Let’s just say he has little use for official visitors.

**3 searching**

A few words about dialogue and colloquialism in fanfic. A common practice is to replicate the speech patterns assigned by the ORIGINAL author to his/her characters. This helps to remind the reader of the fictional realm in which the story exists. So here, Gandalf speaks in a recognizably Gandalfian way. It’s Tolkien’s world; we just write/read in it.

At the same time, I prefer my Khazâd to speak very plainly. I’ve deliberately written their dialogue in blunt, modern style to make it relatable, maybe even a little surprising to the reader. Nothing flowery or weirdly medieval for them. Going in the opposite direction, I stop short of using slang turns of phrase that pull the reader entirely OUT of Tolkien’s world. Slang phrases like “WTF” or “Yo” work well in the Modern AU genre, but they have no place in my Khagal’abad.

RE: butter tea. I always picture Khuzd culture as being similar to that of West Central Asia—Russia, Georgia, Persia, Turkey, and the Far Levant where East meets West and exotic customs cross borders. Warm felt caftans and tunics… opulent communal bathing rituals… fierce warriors who play music and spout poetry… fire pits and furs… big savory spreads of rich foods and honeyed sweetmeats… Dwarves like everything comforting and soft and thick and padded and warm and cozy and _umami_ , a total contrast to the Elves’ elegant but slightly cold Zen temple-like aesthetic. Hence, spiced butter tea in glazed ceramic cups instead of _miruvor_ served in tiny silver thimbles.

Fíli’s defensiveness comes not from shame about what he and Kíli share, but a desire to protect and keep sacred what belongs to them alone. He’s as possessive of their love as Dís is of her home, and Tharkûn knows better than to push.

**4 secrets**

Being a warm-natured and deeply empathetic people, Khazâd are more tolerant of non-traditional pairings than other folk. No one should have to live a loveless existence just because marriages are rare; any type of pairing – sexual or not – is viewed with approval. My Dwarves are heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, solosexual, asexual– all perfectly normal.

  
Dís chose solitude freely for herself. But she could see that Thorin and Ganin both needed someone to love. She fostered their relationship (that _yenta!)_ because she couldn’t bear to see either of them unhappy. Their true love match did not cause her a single moment of jealousy.

Dís knew that her brothers shared a love bond. It wasn’t easy for her to understand, but she came to accept it and loyally guarded their secret. However, seeing her sons develop the same kind of bond is a totally different matter. Dís had ONE JOB—to produce heirs who would produce heirs who would keep the whole Durin dynasty afloat. It looks to her as though she’s failed at this task. What she has NOT failed at is championing love for those she loves. If she’s a little wobbly now, rest assured that she will regain her balance.

**5 gift**

It’s canon that Khuzd women do not show themselves to outsiders. They have very strong personal boundaries; their homes are their fortresses, and strangers cause apprehension. Dís is unique in that she has eschewed traditional life in the underground cities and chosen a life on the surface, but this doesn’t mean she’s amenable to the outside world invading her turf. The fact that she has allowed Tharkûn past the stronghold gate let alone into her family’s personal rooms says a lot about how much the Durin family trusts him.

**6 truce**

This chapter says everything I want to say exactly the way I want it said, no more and no less. That is all.

**7 trust**

I’ve always had a fascination for shamanism and spirit-travel. Many cultures would view Kíli’s injury as a gateway to shamanic ability—I’ve mapped out a way for this to play into the story much later on.

**8 trespasser**

According to various sources, Himling (also known as _Himring)_ was an island located in the Great Sea approximately 25 miles off the coast of northern Lindon. Described as “wide-shouldered, treeless, with a flattened summit”, It had been the tallest hill in northeast Beleriand during the First Age. Maedhros, eldest of the Sons of Fëanor, built a fortress at its summit and maintained it for centuries until the War of Wrath. Afterwards, the region sank beneath the ocean waves, leaving only Himling’s hilltop and its ruined fortress visible. For a time it was occupied by orcs, but even those dwindled away, leaving Himling barren and uninhabited, a rock in the middle of an icy sea.

My intentions for Himling are that it should be far more beautiful than the scribes have let on; a gem of an isle along the lines of Iceland, Shetland, Faroe, the Arans, the Hebrides, or Orkney. Rocky but green, treeless but rich in other resources—peat, heathgrass, small fruiting shrubs, and the bounties of sea and shore. All the fables of it being a fallow, dark place are utter bullshit. Perhaps Thorin and Frerin themselves spread rumors around that Himling wasn’t worth exploring. They wished to keep the jewel for their heirs. Speaking of which…

Translated from Sindarin into English, Himring means “ever-cold”. This is the name JRRT used for the island in The Silmarillion, though his son (and principal cartographer) Christopher has indicated that the original name was Himling, which in itself does not have a Sindarin translation. However, _him_ (“steadfast, constant, abiding”) + _lín_ (“thy”) would land the name closer to “your constant”, or perhaps “ever yours”. It seems to me that Thorin would prefer this translation, as he means his heirs to hold the isle in perpetuity.

**9 the oak grove**

I mean to show here a softening of Fíli’s guard. He has spent his life in a state of proud wariness, having been taught that he will need to conceal his feelings constantly once he is King Under the Mountain. But now his fate has taken a turn, and it’s possible to relax a little and even show Tharkûn some vulnerability.


	8. PART EIGHT

**1 dream**

Here, Thorin acknowledges the similarities between himself and his Heir, of whom he strongly approved even though he rarely said so. At the same time, his offhand criticism of Kíli hides more than a bit of the admiration he felt towards carefree Frerin.

**2 sister**

Sometimes characters just take the wheel and dictate to the writer exactly how they wish to act and speak and feel. Thorin and Dís did this for me here, and I am grateful to them for it. They’re not at all solemn or dramatic, just snarky and loving with one another as big brother and little sister would be.

Daughter of a king, little sister of two big strong brothers- of _course_ Dís knows how to sock someone in the arm. Thorin and Frerin schooled her in every fighting style, wrestling hold, action sport, and boyskill they knew—and no doubt she learned to apply it to debate and dissent. Now that she sees that Thorin accepts things as they are, she no longer feels that she has to fight. She’s fully committed; together, she and Thorin can envision a hopeful future for the boys.

I’m researching life in the North Atlantic islands to assemble facts on local shelter options, wild and cultivatable food sources, fuels, animals, etc. I think Fíli and Kíli will learn how to fish, farm sea vegetables and shellfish, grow root crops, raise sheep, goats and geese, brew their own ale, bake their own flatbread, cut turf for roofs and fires, and just generally adapt to life on Roan Inish.

**3 kinsmen**

Another opportunity for Fíli to let down his guard, ably guided by one who had to die in order to do so. But Thorin makes it easy here; he’s more open and teasing than he was in life, inviting Fíli to be the same.

**4 lovers**

Here’s my take on Thráin, Thorin and Frerin.

I portray Thráin as a cruel parent whose most egregious act was to bring his barely-adolescent sons to war. According to strict Tolkienian canon, Frerin was 48 years old when he died in the Battle of Azanulbizar; at the same battle, Thorin earned the epithet Oakenshield at the age of 53. If the dwarf/human age ratio of 4:1 is correct, Thorin and Frerin were respectively only 13 and 12 when their father forced them into battle. This in and of itself makes Thráin monstrous.

But what else informed his (appalling) decision? Answer: toxic masculinity.

Dís tells Tharkûn that her father believed that Thorin and Frerin were soft and needed toughening up. It’s an extreme stance, but not an uncommon one. Many a conservative parent views any gentleness in a son as being womanish and weak. Thráin may have also sensed that his sons were too close to one another—that they had a strong pair-bond, not just an alliance (against himself, natch). Thráin sensed their attachment – even questioned their little sister about it, but she refused to betray what she knew – and then dragged them off to war to “cure” them of it. Tragic all around.

Luckily, in the halls of the ancestors, Thráin is reunited with both of his sons. Death has purged him of earthly prejudices and angers, so he is able to reconcile with them and open himself to emotion. Together, he, Frerin, Thorin, and Ganin become the family’s protectors.

Would Thorin and Frerin have been lovers, as Fíli and Kíli are? I don’t think so; they were far too young. But in the emotional sense, absolutely-- they were each other’s joy and comfort. They spent every waking moment together and knew the other’s thoughts and emotions as well as they knew their own. No doubt they shared a bed, dwarven-style, but they held hands and embraced each other and looked at and spoke to each other the way Fíli and Kíli do—that’s how their mother recognizes it. And that’s how Thorin recognizes it here.

**5 mourning dove**

I took great care writing this, for one very simple reason: I’m just like Kíli. My emotions – and there are a LOT of them – ride my surface; I can’t hide them. Growing up in a family whose motto is “Suck It Up!” was really hard. My excess of emotion was met with less than perfect tolerance. Writing for Kíli, I had a chance to salve some of these old wounds.

In unrelated news, gold-crested kinglets are tiny, swift, and cute enough to give you _shpilkes_.

**6 the watcher**

I am so grateful that Fenja conjured herself up and marched into my story. EVERYONE IN MY STORY is grateful for her, too. She is the linchpin of all sanity.


	9. PART NINE

**1 storytelling**

I love, love, love to write for Kíli. Quirky and guileless, he blurts his thoughts out with great enthusiasm and no filter. It puzzles him that others hide or misrepresent the truth. Some may think I’ve portrayed him as a nitwit, but he’s not. His logic may be skewed, but his intuition is perfectly sound. What’s more, his emotional fluency is startling. He reads others’ hearts and picks up on every small nuance of their reactions. It’s hard for him to hide anything from others… and it’s damn near impossible for them to hide things from him.

As _nadad_ , Fíli is responsible for his brother. He is expected to guide, advise, and modulate his _naddith’s_ excesses. If it seems that he often tamps down Kíli’s natural expressiveness, he is merely tending to his equilibrium, keeping him from becoming overwhelmed by his own powerful emotions, and guarding him from the judgments of others. In no way does he ever expect Kíli to NOT BE Kíli. He would never ask his brother not to feel what he feels.

**2 moon of the gold mountain**

In my headcanon, there are twelve elders: three representing Azsâlul'abad, two each for Zirinhanâd (the Iron Hills), Malasul’abad (the Misty Mountains), and Khagal’abad (the Blue Mountains); one each for Baraz’abad (the Red and Eastern Mountains) and Thafar’abad (the Grey Mountains)—and, standing somewhat alone, First Elder Ninur of Balbûnzudnu, the great polar Ice Bay. While Navrin of Azsâlul'abad represents the Line of Durin as a dynasty, Ninur ministers to the Durins as an actual FAMILY. Having watched Thráin succumb to mental illness, he did his best to counsel Thorin and is now devoted to Fíli. By this I mean Fíli the individual rather than Fíli the King. (That’s Navrin’s job.)

In this chapter, Kíli proves himself an autodidact when strongly motivated. He is really thinking ahead; he’s not about to solve problems only as he and Fíli come to them. The dream they’ve shared is soon to become a reality, a set of challenges that must be met with skill and foreknowledge. Kíli’s surprising everyone with the initiative he’s taking.

**3 plans**

Okay. One deep-dyed personal kink that I think doesn’t get the love it deserves is nipple play. It can bring some men to spontaneous orgasm on its own— and as I explained earlier, Fíli’s nipples have a very special attraction for Kíli. He is deeply attached to them; they represent a lifetime of love and comfort. But he never knew that while he took comfort from Fíli, he also gave something— intense pleasure. His suckling made Fíli feel GOOD in more than just the nurturing sense. The realization of this rocks him to the marrow, and now he’s hooked. So while his mouth on Fíli’s nipple may still symbolize non-sexual feelings, his FINGERS on Fíli’s nipples mean something entirely different. Fíli connects to the same memories as Kíli plays with him; that feeling of “helpless tenderness” fills him again, only now edged with sexual desire. And the fact that Kíli’s got him pinned down as well…

I utterly love writing Kíli dominating Fíli. Of course, it’s domination lite—VERY lite. Kíli’s too playful to pretend at real sternness. He just loves laying Fíli down and telling him to STAY down and then lavishing pleasure on him. In my imagination, Kíli adores going down on his _nadad_. It’s that oral fixation, of course. He glories in the taste, the scent, the texture of Fíli’s cock against his tongue and the sounds Fíli makes as he sucks. He probably strokes himself, and maybe even IN TIME with his sucking, because it arouses him so much to know what ecstasy he’s bringing to his brother.

**4 thunderclap**

This whole chapter took a ton of logistics to write. Every question Fíli asks Nori and Ori, I asked too. _Who-What-Where-Why-When-How-From-Which-Direction-How-Many-How-Fast?_ Then I had to go back and make it flow conversationally and emotionally. I swear I’ve remapped it at least four times to get it even close to how I want it.

RE: the flatbread. Fenja and Dís are teaching Fíli and Kíli some survival skills. Of course there are things they already know how to do, having traveled in the wild— make shelter, build a fire, hunt for game, defend themselves. But certain things (like making bread) have always been done for them, and now they must learn to adopt these skills themselves. If they want warm wool socks, they might have to herd and shear sheep, card and spin wool, dye it and knit it. I envision at this point they’re already learning to use a knitting spool or to do nålebinding as they sit by the fire in Dís’ room.

**5 mutiny**

Fíli has shown that he is able to take a crisis in hand and deal with it rationally and fairly. But in this moment, Kíli is neither rational nor fair. He’s terrified—and his reaction is more than Fíli is prepared to handle.

**6 bolt of joy**

If Fíli and Kíli “are one and have always been one”, THIS – marriage, spiritual and physical – is the ultimate union. They’ve been working toward it, not merely all spring and summer, but ALL THEIR LIVES. Once it presents itself, it makes absolute sense; they embrace it without hesitation.

Tolkien canon establishes that male dwarves outnumber female dwarves two to one, so there cannot be a wife for every single dwarf. To temper this predicament, Tolkien specifies that not all dwarves even WANT to marry. Some choose to devote themselves wholly to their craft. Some remain single because they one they love is unavailable or unreciprocal—and at least in the case of dwarven women, they refuse to have any other. Those who DO marry have many children to make up the population balance. All this is supposed to neatly tie up loose ends, but of course I has questions!

• Is dwarven marriage defined as a _relationship_ , or as a _legal status?_  
• Do dwarves have relationships outside of marriage? What would prevent them?  
• Are dwarves naturally demiromantic/demisexual—unable to desire anybody but their destined One?  
• Are all dwarven marriages “true love matches”? Can dwarves marry for reasons other than shared emotion?  
• Are all dwarven marriages heterosexual by definition—one dwarrow/one dam? Or does a more diverse range exist?  
• What percentage of dwarves are homosexual, preferring those of their own gender?  
• What percentage of dwarves are asexual, preferring no sexual partner of either gender?  
• What percentage of dwarves are pansexual/polyamorous, desiring many partners, perhaps of all genders?  
• Why is it assumed that celibacy is the natural state of those who remain unmarried? Can’t single dwarves of any orientation still have sex and children if they want to WITHOUT being married to their partner(s)?  
• Why should a dwarf only be able to love once and never again?

I hold up Dís, Thorin, and Ganin as examples of the way all canon/fanon expectations can be overturned. These three Khazâd had a bond not even death could break. Dís was forced to marry, but she had no One, so she chose her best friend instead—someone she could imagine spending a loyal lifetime with. She is asexual, but she still had sex with Ganin in order to have children; as soon as this was accomplished, she went back to celibacy but joyfully shared the task of parenting with him. They had a strong partnership which became even stronger when they welcomed Thorin into it. Ganin and Thorin’s relationship is everything a true marriage ought to be: cerebral, emotional, sexual, passionate, everlasting. Dís approves of it and is happy to see the two most important men in her life finding joy together. She and Thorin adore and are utterly devoted to one another. When Ganin dies, Thorin not only counts Fíli and Kíli as his own heirs, but he steps into Ganin’s paternal role and helps his sister raise her sons. After death, Thorin and Ganin remain together and guard over Dís. Together, they break all the rules of what marriage and family should be… and Fíli and Kíli will do so in their time, too.

I’m still unsure whether it’s canon or fanon that dwarves exchange betrothal tokens. And who cares? It’s a lovely custom. It makes sense that Fíli and Kíli would exchange the stones they gathered on a day that deepened their bond.

**7 welded**

These are Fíli’s and Kíli’s vows. There's not a single punctuation mark I'd change.


	10. PART TEN

**1 family**

As blissful as Fíli and Kíli find their union, Dís is still grappling to come to terms with it. When she tells herself to set aside the strangeness of it, she’s basically reminding herself that it’s the new normal—get used to it. This becomes easy when she sees up close how happy her sons are—and even easier when the moment is set in the context of a very mundane family supper. The new normal is not strange at all, when Dís comes to think of it. It’s actually happier than the OLD normal. This is what gives her the strength to propose the next steps of the Himling plan.

Fenja is a wiseass, isn’t she? A provocateur, but with a purpose. She has taught several generations of Durins to control their emotions and stand up for themselves calmly. She’s the kingmaker.

**2 friends**

PJ and fandom have made a strange creature of Ori. He’s portrayed as studious but naïve, a monk-like virgin ignorant of the ways of the world, physically a bit delicate and needful of protection… really a _yeshiva bucher_ of a dwarf. As twee and charming as I find this depiction, I think it needs salt and pepper. I find Ori to ALSO be stubborn, forward-thinking, ferociously loyal, and most decidedly NOT a virgin (as his relationship with Haya will show). Having grown up in a strange no-man’s-land between his feuding older brothers, he’s learned equal measures of diplomacy and dissembly—how else to hide his exploits with Nori from the disapproving Dori? He loves both, but as a budding journalist, he likes to be embedded where the action is— with Nori.

Dori, too, is the subject of much headcanon. I do enjoy how PJ portrayed him—as a connoisseur, appreciative of a proper cup of truly exceptional chamomile tea. But let’s not forget that he’s the strongest of the dwarves, a “decent sort” as Bilbo designated him in the book, and well-suited to hard travel as are all the dwarves. I envision him as a substitute parent for his brothers after their parents died; he also inherited their trade (stonecutting) and picked up a number of others (weaving, sewing, etc) to make ends meet.

In my self-made Durin genealogy (which WILL be appended, oh yes it will!) the oft-named “Ri Brothers” are distant descendants of Stavrin, son of Glóin I and brother of Óin I. His reckless investments drove his own family into hard times. Of the brothers, Dori is the one most cognizant of their royal roots—and so the most likely to put on airs.

**3 husbands**

Ori’s relationship to Dís and her sons is one of more than mere grace-and-favor. Thorin truly embraced his “poor” relations; he wouldn’t have included them in his Company if he didn’t feel a strong connection existed between them. At the same time, Ori LOVES the amenities at Thorinutumnu which are so scarce at home. It’s not a matter of economy; he and his brothers really live below the dwarven poverty line. They are the male Dwarven version of the Dashwood sisters of _Sense & Sensibility._

**4 away**

I greatly enjoyed laying the groundwork for an “understanding” between Ori and Haya. Her choice of study (ink-making) is an unspoken sign that she’s hoping to partner with him. I also enjoyed planting the seeds of an adopted-sibling rivalry between her and Kíli. It’s all sham, of course, but it makes for fun dialogue.

**5 holy things**

The idea of “defiled things” included here is based on the Northern Tradition concept of _álfreka_ (“elf-abandoned”). In an animistic belief system, tutelary spirits _(álfar)_ inhabit all objects and places. When they are offended, these entities vacate their homes, which are then considered desanctified, even cursed. Smaug desanctified Azsâlul'abad the mountain and sullied its throne, crown and jewel (the Arkenstone). Thorin only sees this now that he has passed beyond their influence. He has become the resident spirit of his beloved harp— an object that never hurt, only pleased.


	11. PART ELEVEN

1 gratitude

Father Thorin.

You said this stupid, stubborn boy makes you glad. He asks you for help today.

The elders are coming. They will be here soon. Stand by my shoulder and guide me. Help me to act the right way with them.

Mother pretends not to be nervous, but I know that the future worries her. She asked me for one of your hair ornaments to wear for courage. We decided to divide them up, and everyone took one. We will all be brave now, with your help.

Fenja sang yesterday in the kitchen, which she would only do for you, so I think you must have talked to her, too. In one night, you comforted all of us.

Thank you for loving me even when I am bone-headed.

Thank you for loving Kíli and mending what was broken.

Thank you for telling us your secret.

You make me glad.

Writing these prayers allowed me to explore each character’s true voice. Here, Fíli is typically laconic, even formal; he doesn’t let his emotion get the better of him, but his sincerity is plain, as is his love for Father Thorin.

2 joy

Uncle!

I love you so much! And you love me, too. I wasn’t sure but now I am.

I fell yesterday but I’m going to be better today. I want to be strong for Mim. We are promised now, did you know that? Please bless us, Uncle. I am so happy.

Uncle, guess what? We’re going to live on Himling! I wish we could go today, but we’re about to have visitors. Please let them be our friends, and please keep me from falling in front of them and making a mess and worrying everybody.

Mim and I made an oath— we are going to raise a stone for you. Mother is going to help us with the pattern and Ori is going to help us with the words. It’s to thank you for Himling and so that you know we will always love you and never, ever forget you.

What else? Oh! You talked to Bilbo! I know because he wrote to us. He thought it was a dream. But you also talked to me and Mim so I know it’s true and it can happen.

I bless and bless and bless you!

Effusive Kíli burbles his way through his prayer, interrupting himself with excited bursts of news. If he’d written it down, it would be at top speed in a messy, free-wheeling scrawl.

3 favor

Hello, Nadad.

Remember the pine cones I hoarded as a little girl? Each with a name and a part to play in the great pine cone kin-saga? And how at least once a week you sat ever so patiently to hear Nan’ith tell it ALL OVER AGAIN from start to finish, plus all the new bits since last time? Well.

Things are moving quickly. I’m sure you know everything, but I need to say it so that I remember it, no mistakes or tangled thoughts. It helps to have a good listener— so, my dear, good, PATIENT Nadad, go find yourself a cloud, sit down on it, and listen.

First: Himling. I know you told me to talk to Tharkûn first, but who knows how quickly we may need to send the boys over? So I copied your map (don’t give me that look) and sent men at once. They found the land-taking stone, as well as the old fort. There’s a tiny watchhouse on the southwest headland— a one-room hovel, but it’s got a hearth, and it only needs a few roof slates to make it winter-tight. The boys can stay there while they rebuild.

(Both of them insist they saw a light on Himling. We all know who that was, don’t we. Yes? Yes.)

Now: our visitors. We must be careful not to let slip our plans; at the same time, we need to be friendly and get along. So far as that goes, I worry about Kíli. Fíli has your skill, but Kíli only has your scowl; he can no more conceal his true feelings than a raven can hide itself in the snow. It's a terrible thing to say of one's child, but I wish we could send him away while the elders are here. Mahal forgive me, but it's the truth.

Ninur alone knows our secret, but it seems he's not traveling with this group. I trust and pray he's still coming. If he started out from Balbûnzudnu, it stands to reason he would arrive separately— perhaps even on the same day! Don't you think?

We’ve already started fires to heat the northwest caverns, but I hope our guests bring warm clothes. Things I hope our guests don’t bring: head colds, bad attitudes, plans to take advantage of the hunting. The boys forbid it. I know that breaks with custom, but I won't have Kíli made ill again.

Thank you for talking to him. Fíli says it was the first time in months he didn't cry at prayer, and he hasn't since.

They’re happy, Thorin. And if they are, we are. Yes? Yes.

You have kept your oaths to us all and sat through my endless gab. You probably think you've earned yourself a nice rest. But the truth is that outside of Fenja, you were always by far the best person to spill to. So keep that cloud close by, Nadad. I may have need to bend your ear again, and soon.

Like Kíli, Dís prays in a warm, chatty manner; like Fíli, she’s organized her thoughts and goes from point to point. Praying to her brother is no different than sitting at a table with him over coffee and conversation. He’s THORIN, not a god; she’s pleased to be able to unburden her mind to the one who knows her best.

4 penance

Ganin, you ninny! Did you really think Fenja didn’t like you? You pleased two people I love, and you helped make two others whom I love even more. Why wouldn’t I adore you just for that?

I’m simply furious, but if you want to make it up to me, I ask only this: have a care for your sons. You understand why I say it, don’t you? You know what’s at stake.

Everyone’s in such a knot over Erebor. I never liked it, but then, that’s why I liked you: you weren’t from there. Had you lived, Thorin would have made his kingdom right here and never left it. No one ever said which Mountain there had to be a King Under! They tried Khazad-dûm, they tried Erebor— everywhere but Khagal’abad. Why not Khagal’abad? And now it’s too late; there’s no saying Oh, why don’t we stay? when everyone’s yelling Off to Erebor, ta-ra, ta-ra!

Idiots.

(By the by, I’m not blaming you for dying, Ganin. I just wish you hadn’t. Not for Dís or Thorin or your sons or the kingdom. Just for yourself. You were a sweet lad. Too bad none of us knew what to make of you.)

Look. The Crown’s spoilt, covered with Thorin’s blood, and the boys want nothing to do with it. Help them, Ganin. Talk to Thorin and Frerin; talk to Thráin and Thrór. Between the lot of you, you should be able to get through to Ironfoot. If he wants Erebor, he can have it with Fenja’s blessing.

Do this, Ganin, and I’ll bless you a thousand times more.

God, I love Fenja. I love, love, love her. It seemed logical that she would address her prayer to Ganin, because she has a bone to pick with him. Not a sharp bone, of course. She simply can’t help talking the way she talks—and I imagine if Thorin understood and loved her for it, so would Ganin.

5 trial

Lord Mahal,

I know you make all folk the way you want them, but why did you make these people so stupid?

Up the Lhûn valley they came skipping, friendly as tame rabbits. Purses open, paying double the price for half the value at every trinket-stand along the way. No sentries, no soldiers; hardly a pocket-knife for self-defense— but what would be the point of putting weapons in their hands? None of them have ever seen an orc, so none could tell you what one looks like. If an orc stood right in front of them, they’d smile and make introductions. This is what you’ve given me to deal with.

And their daughters! Good-looking girls without a lick of common sense, let loose by parents who seem blind to their antics. The love notes! The tokens! You know I like Nori, but I’ve had to check his pockets at the end of every day, and not for pilfered coin purses.

There is only one girl who hasn’t fallen for his tricks. When he tries to chat her up, she walks in the opposite direction. When he's too forward with the others, she appears from thin air like an Elven witch and steers them away. What wit she possesses, you must have given her— because her folk have none to spare.

Now, you know me. I’m no great admirer of the elders. It was because of them that Thorin left for Erebor with only a dozen Khazâd and a Shire-turd. Their meddling turned every mountain against him; only Dáin was ornery enough to defy them, but by then it was too late. So I have no use for the elders— but Mahal, now I half pity them. They didn’t ask to take on this pack of hill-bumpkins, and now we’re all stuck.

If Thorin saw them, he’d choke. If Dwalin saw them, he’d choke them. When Fenja sees… o Mahal, you’d do well to just dump them over a cliff and save them the agony. Instead you give them to good old Bhurin and make them MY agony.

What should I do with them?

What did I ever do to YOU?

We don’t get to hear from Bhurin very often in this tale; he’s always being stoic and competent in the background. But here he gets his minute at center stage. As Thorinutumnu’s arms-master and major-domo, he’s got his work cut out for him, a fact reflected in the sardonic, exasperated flavor of his speech. Yet I envision him being as much a grandfather to Fíli and Kíli as Fenja is their grandmother—integral parts of a family unit. 

As befits the highest servant of the house, Bhurin’s a bundle of petty prejudices. He takes a dim view of any and all visitors; he calls hobbits a variety of insulting names such as “clods” or “Shire-turds”; he has no use for the elders and even less for the Spur-Folk, and the sight of an Elf would probably make him spew in technicolor. In short, he’s a Blue Mountain redneck—he likes his own folk, and no one else’s. 

6 ally

We don’t speak much, I know. I’m just saying I hope Ori is well, and Fíli and Kíli and Dís and all them.

If I meet Dori again, I’ll tell him I regret my last words. That’s nothing new. He’ll forgive and be kind, and I’ll slip loose and run my mouth again. You know how it is. I love him, but he crowds me. I also love Ori, but every time I steal him from home, I dump him on our friends first chance and run.

And so we go. Someday I’ll change. That’s what I tell us.

I don’t confess this to you because I think these strangers are going to stab me in my sleep. They’d never be able to find the handle end of the knife on their own. No, I worry more about the elders. Why is Ninur not with them? What’s afoot? I can’t winkle so much as a cough out of them. They know not to trust me. I wonder why.

All this makes me glad of the girl named Jera. The elders flap their jaws freely around her because they think she’s just another backwater princess. Oh, the fools, the fools!

At first I thought she despised me— after all, I was laying it on pretty thick with her friends. How her black eyes bit at me! But as soon as she figured it out, everything became very easy. Mahal, you created this girl for spycraft! She sees and hears everything; she knows what bits and pieces have a use, and she brings them straight to me. We talk it over like an old married couple. We’ve even worked out our own signals for when there’s something new to chew on.

It’s all very professional, you understand. We do it for the sake of the Durins. It is a net we cast; we both have our hands on it— can we help it if every so often those hands touch?

Believe me, I have no silly designs. None whatsoever.

I think I’m getting tired of the road, is all.

Again, I know we don't speak much, you and I— and yet you seem to have favored me despite my neglect of you. How often have you saved my skin? Time after time. But now it's not me in need, Mahal. Something is happening. Something to do with Fíli and the Crown. Something secret.

And though I certainly can keep one – eh, Mahal? - you know Nori doesn't like secrets.

PJ and fandom paint Nori as a rascal and thief. What am I saying? NORI paints Nori as a rascal and thief. But I want to make it clear that this is just his non-official cover. He’s a spy, plain and simple. He’s been in the employ of the Durins for a long time and probably aided Thorin so surreptitiously that Balin and Dwalin think they were his right-hand men. Passing himself off as a roving ne’er-do-well has enabled him to infiltrate every main intersection of society—Hobbiton, Rivendell, Minas Tirith, Edoras, Nad’abad, maybe even Lórien—hell, maybe even MORDOR. His work demands that he form few attachments and profess to few sincere beliefs. He’s the George Smiley of Middle Earth, cool, calm, and cynical. But this lifestyle’s beginning to wear him out. He’s begun to feel as though a partner would make things more interesting and less lonely. Enter Jera, the ideal work-wife! 

7 oath

O my Maker,

You created each of us for an express purpose. You bade me to scribe, Nori to spy, and Dori to carve stone and spin wool. To Dwalin you gave iron to forge and wield; to Óin and Glóin, sons to raise and teach. We do what you designed us for, and none disputes your reason for making us as we are. We please you by pursuing the craft for which you fashioned us.

You fashioned Fíli for Kíli, and Kíli for Fíli. Each is the other's craft. They please you by pleasing one another.

To everyone who knows them, the brothers together form a thing of beauty. We look upon them as we would a marvelous ikon of gold and mithril: with admiration, wonder and joy. Will that joy come to peril once all learn of your plan for them?

I may not fully fathom why you welded Fíli to Kíli, but so it must be; it's not for me to question. But everyone knows kin do not marry. The uproar when cousins court is bad enough, and they do not even share parents! For a sister and brother to pledge themselves is unthinkable. What, then, of two brothers?

My Maker, you have granted me a glimpse of deeper mysteries; for this I am humbled and thankful. Only I worry for my friends, good Mahal. They reject a mighty destiny for something unknown, a life for which they may be shunned, harmed, even hunted. So I beg of you this: create a new craft for me. Give me strength and skill to protect Fíli and Kíli from danger. Grant me whatever tools I need to plead their case and fight for their cause.

If it be my pen, guide my hand.

If it be my sling, give me stones.

Ori is such a gentle character to write. He’s perceptive, empathic, insightful… gathering impressions and responding to them sensitively. A journalist, an essayist, a philosopher, a poet. And he is unfailingly loyal to Fíli and Kíli—the best friend they could possibly have. I envision him as being the most “religious” of his circle, with a lay brother’s dedication to his Maker. He prays with great and enduring confidence, not by the book, but with his whole soul. But don’t think that makes him a monk! He’s a man in love with a very pragmatic woman. Haya will keep him tethered to the earth.


	12. PART TWELVE

**1 flowers**

Sometimes Khazâd are depicted as primarily subterranean folk; sometimes they’re depicted as travelers, craftsmen, and merchants aboveground. I see it as a difference of generation and class. Thráin and the “old guard” preferred life in Erebor, disconnected from the surface world; Thorin and Dís and the “young bloods” would rather get in on the action up above. The two schools are destined to class, but only one can win. In that light, Thorin’s desire to reclaim Erebor is a regression to his father’s way, and therefore doomed to fail. Dís and her sons live because they choose the new.

**2 housekeeping**

I like to show Dís getting down and dirty with housework. She no doubt mucks out horse stalls and cuts down old trees when needed, too. She’s definitely not the detached lady-of-the-manor type; her fellow workers are friends, not employees. When she says “the household”, she means everyone in it, all on the same footing. Thráin would _plotz._

**3 hand to hand**

Another scene of egalitarian life _chez_ Durin, where everyone is addressed by their first name and takes part in communal meals. The townsfolk are invited, too—BYOB and a covered dish for the potluck table. Imagine Dwarven trivia night!

**4 plaits**

This morning, as befits a _naddith_ , Kíli has braided both Fíli’s and Ori’s hair. Normally it would be unusual for an elder sibling to return the favor, but both Kíli and Ori receive such attention from their _nadads_ — with wildly different results. Fíli expends great effort and forethought on creating a style for Kíli that is traditional, ancestral, and protective. Dori simply slaps a bowl on Ori’s head and hacks his way around the rim so that he can check another to-do off his list. It’s not that he doesn’t love Ori. He simply isn’t socialized to bother with his younger brother’s hair.

Kíli’s teasing of Haya has a motive— he knows she likes Ori just as much as Ori likes her, and he’s trying his hand at matchmaking for the benefit of both. Time will tell whether he’s any good at it—or even necessary to the process.

**5 pledges**

Dwarves are a people grouped into tribes. In the far East live Ironfists (Zirinmazân), Stiffbeards (Mebeltarâg), Blacklocks (Naragzanât), and Stonefoots (‘Abanbazân). They stick to their end of the continent, intermarry quite happily amongst themselves, and rarely seek contact with any Khazâd west of the Iron Hills.

In the far West live Firebeards ('Urstarâg) and Broadbeams (Fantnuhûb). Like their Eastern counterparts, they’ve put down deep roots and are quite content where they are— Broadbeams in Forlindon and the northern Khagal’abad, Firebeards in Harlindon and the Southern Khagal’abad. But over the last few centuries, they’ve witnessed a steady influx of Longbeards (Sigintarâg).

Longbeards originally inhabited the great central “wishbone” that branches out from Gund’abad— the Misty Mountains stretching south to Khazad-dûm and the Grey Mountains reaching east toward Azsâlul'abad and the Iron Hills. Driven from Gund’abad, Moria, and Erebor, waves of Longbeards flooded the west, lodging where they could until they reached the Northern Khagal’abad.

Though their stories and geographies are different, these tribes have nearly everything else in common: language, culture, craft, spirituality, physicality— and a passionate devotion to the cult of hair.

PJ portrays Thorin’s Company as having an amazing diversity of personal hair colors, qualities, lengths and styles. I’d venture to guess that all Dwarves possess hair of a discernable “Dwarven” quality— thick, long, rich, plentiful, its color and texture determined by genetics. Its STYLE, however, is informed by location, tribal custom, and personal choice.

Is there such thing as a “Durin style”? In the films, Thorin’s hair has been drawn back from his brow to show off his pronounced widow’s peak. He sports long, tightly-braided sidelocks that hang straight down in front of his ears. Fíli also wears braided sidelocks and crown hair drawn back to reveal his hairline. Kíli has a clumsy version of the crown arrangement, and his sidelocks (though too short to braid) appear as though they’re being purposefully grown out. His unruly hair is clearly being trained into something like his brother’s and uncle’s. But Fíli’s extra braids suggest there’s ample room for personalization— and despite being “Longbeards”, all three dwarves keep their beards closely trimmed, almost as if to emphasize their kinship in the face of opposition, "us against the world".

What informs the other Dwarves’ coiffures? What features define the styles worn by the other tribes? Yet to be seen!


	13. PART THIRTEEN

**1 innocents**

Writing the Spur-Folk has been a ton of anthropological fun! If it’s possible to be country yokels and upper-class twits at the same time, they achieve that state with ease. Unlike their other Firebeard relations on the Harlindon coast, they completely lack practicality and discretion. They’re like animals so sheltered from humans that when they finally meet one, they don’t know to be afraid. Galapagos tortoises, trusting and untroubled by the outside world but also totally vulnerable to it due to their isolation. Even so, they are likable, loyal, and (with the exception of their over-the-top finery) unaffected, the very type of people with whom the haughty Durins ought to hobnob. Just don’t expect them to teach any classes on how to read a map.

**2 the black-eyed girl**

Jera is the daughter of a Baraz’abad (Red Mountain) mother and a Spur-Dweller Firebeard father. Her family has made the trek east to visit her mother’s kin in the great underground capitol city of Nad’abad; perhaps they even lived there until Jera’s father was called home to inherit the chieftainship.

I characterize Nad’abad as a capitol city somewhat like St. Petersburg during the Imperial era— an elegant metropolis where intertribal détente and intrigue form an important part of social life. Nad’abaders are charming, accomplished, and sophisticated—but also cynical and heavily strategic. Because of their exposure to this culture, Jera and her brothers are less naïve than their provincial neighbors.

As a highborn leader’s daughter, Jera is expected to marry into another tribe while still benefiting her own by gathering intel and subtly influencing politics. She received unofficial training in spycraft from her mother, as Marie Antoinette did from Maria Theresa. While Jera’s status invests her with covert power, she still has experienced a certain lack of self-agency which is intolerable to her. Finding out secrets and using them gives her back a sense of control over her own destiny. She would rather be a full-time spy than a chieftain’s wife… and she would rather be with Nori than with a boring, hidebound chieftain-to-be.

To aid their spy-work (and perhaps exchange the odd love-message), Jera and Nori have created a finger alphabet based on the Dwarven rune-rows. Each finger joint represents a number; they indicate rune row and single-rune sequence by touching their joints and spinning their rings.

**3 making ready**

Again, Thráin would SPIT if he knew how simply and humbly his descendants live. Being youngest, Fíli and Kíli especially question the entire concept of pomp and ceremony. It seems so false and useless! But Fíli will not let anyone see his _naddith_ in any but the most favorable light, so he is willing to engage in a little bit of fuss.

**4 tribute**

The difference between Thorinutumnu and the Spur is as vast a gap as between a simple Rus village and the court of the Holy Roman Empire. I hope this chapter makes the distinction clear. The Spur-Folk are fabulously wealthy, their lifestyle unimaginably opulent; they take this as a matter of course and so assume that the Durins must live even MORE richly. They bring the best work of their best artisans, expecting it to be a poor offering only to find that it quite overwhelms their hostess. Such is their simplicity, however, that they are charmed and won over by her reaction. The true currency they recognize is that of the soul.

**5 feast for the eyes**

This is where I would insert the genealogical chart I crafted for all of my characters and their remotest kin, but the bloody thing is TOO BIG. I'm going to tag it on the end of this notes series like a big-ass caboose on the tail of a train.

True to their animist tradition, the Khuzd who attend this banquet deck themselves out in familial emblems that have been imbued with spiritual energy. It’s a display— less of material wealth than of ancestral protection, a means of telling strangers, This is who stands behind me. Even Haya’s inexpensive souvenir brooch broadcasts this quality. She may very well have adornments more costly or precious, but THAT ONE is the one her father gave her.

**6 meeting**

Confession time, and please forgive me as I insert foot in mouth: I am simultaneously fascinated and repelled by the fanon depiction of Khuzd women’s dress. I know I must acknowledge the validity of aesthetics different than mine, but… _oy._ Those fabulously overblown costumes—Renaissance-style laced bodices, huge bustiered tits, puffed-and-slashed sleeves, panniers, flounces, gores, tippets, the works. Pearls and jewels swagged ALL OVER. And the most insane rococo hairdos, reminiscent of Marie Antoinette’s worst excesses.

My instinctive reaction is to dress the Spur-women in a style modified to suit a different silhouette— specifically, that of Russian court dress. The noblewoman’s ceremonial gown _(paradnaya plat’e)_ prescribed by Tsar Nicholas I was based on medieval models. Undergown, overgown with long open sleeves and train, _kokoshnik_ and veil. The silhouette was long, clean, graceful; all richness lay in the fabric and embellishments rather than in the cut. Even more ancient and folkloric designs were used for occasions such as the 1903 Imperial Ball, for which the Tsarina and her female relatives dressed like Muscovite _boyarinas_ of old.

Jera’s mother Eira wears just such a gown—fabulous, even intimidating, but unsuited to any activity other than gliding around or standing like a statue. By contrast, Jera’s feast-dress is a _sarafan_ — a shoulder-strapped pinafore dress worn over a fine embroidered blouse, suitable for a single girl. It’s more comfortable than a fully panniered bodice dress, but for Jera, what’s truly bothersome is all the ornamentation— gold thread, the starch-stiffness, etc.

For my Khagal’abad Khazâd, I favor a different look. Fan art favors a very handsome Central Eurasian style for Khuzd men, combining Slavic, Rus, Cossack, and Siberian clothing forms. Surely there’s a feminine version of this look—or better, no gendered versions at all! If dimorphism should be absent from any dwarven sphere, why can’t it be that of fashion? I want to dress my Khazâd - _men, women, and children!_ \- simply and warmly in trousers, tunics, knee-length _sarafans_ , open-front jackets and fur-bordered caftans, leather belts and soft wool sashes, high leather boots for travel and thick felt _valenki_ for home, Circassian-style fur caps, sheepskin jacket-linings, bear-, wolf-, and lynx-fur collars…


	14. PART FOURTEEN

**1 fealty**

Initially, I thought that Fíli and Kíli’s conversation with Jera and Nori might be handled in retrospect, with the brothers mulling it over afterward in the safety of their room. But why spoil the fun? Jera and Nori are really marvelous together. I wanted to see more of them in action, being a team.

Basically, Jera and Nori have discovered that the elders are opposed to Dáin’s regency and suspect that he will attempt to parlay it into a full kingship. They suspect Ninur of undermining Fíli’s confidence, and they question the loyalty of the Erebor elders, two of whom hail from Dáin’s Iron Hills. In essence, they are loyalists, but misguided ones. They have come to Thorinutumnu to urge Fíli to declare himself King. If he will not, they will do it for him—or choose another (Kíli).

Jera and her family are also Durin loyalists, but they know Dáin and have a different opinion of him than the western elders. Jera recognizes subterfuge when she sees it, and she has misgivings about the elders’ underhanded methods of bringing about Fili’s ascension. She realizes that her people are just naïve enough to believe what they’re told about Dáin.

Jera recognized Nori’s watchful habits as similar to her own. She established a cover, then approached him. They agreed to keep up the ruse of their animosity going while they gather information. Jera discovered another chieftain’s daughter dallying with one of the elders’ bodyguards. She blackmailed him into becoming her informant. Nori is very impressed with her resourcefulness—and ruthlessness.

Jera is my opportunity to indulge some of my interest in spycraft. She and her family have traveled more than most Spur-Dwellers. (That's why the other families voted to give her father the map-- they figured he'd be handier with it than them, because he's been OUTSIDE more often). Jera has therefore been exposed to possibilities beyond the life of other highborn Khuzd girls. Intrigue has intrigued her. She has built a small personal network of informants, some deeply placed (but a good handler never blows the cover of agents in the field :D)

RE: nicknames— Jera has some nerve, presuming to slap an uninvited name on a Khuzd (ROYAL, at that!) whom she has only known for 12 hours at best! But he’s startled into accepting it… and anyway, it IS a pretty cool moniker.

**2 gathering**

The elders are quite out of their depth in the Blue Mountains. It’s not only that the Thorinutumnu-folk lack sufficient formality. Many are Broadbeams, but a good number are Longbeards who (as far as the elders are concerned) ought to know better. The presence of Firebeards – Glóin’s wife Minaen, her sister (and Óin’s wife) Hinaen, their children, and the Spur-Dwellers – ratchets up the tension. _Finesse_ is a word not in the Firebeard lexicon.

**3 playing**

Marriages among the Durins are like any other royal marriages—compulsory and often loveless. There are exceptions. King Thorin the First adored his wife Wyn but lost her to fever. In the midst of mourning, he found comfort and new love with Hríma, who remained his partner until death. His descendant Thráin was not as lucky. Thráin, too, cherished his wife Hlis above all else. When she died shortly after giving birth to their daughter Dís, he suffered a breakdown from which he never recovered. He spent the rest of his life inflicting his rage and loss on everyone else in his life.

Dís never knew her mother, but she certainly knew the ruinous effect that loving too much had on her father. With this firmly in mind, she took Ganin for a spouse, choosing stability over passion. As a result, Fíli and Kíli had a much more peaceful, balanced childhood than she, Frerin, or Thorin did. But Fíli is hearing and understanding for the first time that his parents’ marriage – while nothing like the arranged type favored by the Spur-Folk – was not a love match like that enjoyed by Glóin and Óin and their wives… or by himself and Kíli. The truth is uncomfortable, but vital for growth.

Fíli sometimes still gives in to his thorny adolescent side when in conversation with his mother. In the main, however, I think his empathy always rises to the top. 

**4 fires**

In Nori’s prayer to Mahal, he confesses to being unreliable, a promise-breaker who ghosts in and out of his family's lives and will do ANYTHING to avoid closeness. As a spy he tells a lot of lies out of self-protection; Ori may know what he does for a living, but they BOTH keep the truth from Dori. (It's easier to let Dori think Nori's a thief than to try to explain the life of a secret agent.) In all things, Nori pretends to be tough and businesslike. But when it comes to Jera, his entire façade melts. He’s her biggest fanboy and has rosy hopes of them working together “like an old married couple”. His lifestyle wearies him, but a simpatico soul like Jera might make it less lonesome.

Thank Mahal that Jera agrees! She and Nori become a committed couple who successfully maintain a long-distance partnership. This arrangement satisfies their own needs for independence, but it stymies all their friends. I envision them running tandem surveillance operations across Middle Earth, then meeting up Mr. & Mrs. Smith-style in glamorous Rivendell... and STILL having to explain to concerned relatives why they don't have 3 kids and a mortgage... :D

**5 break**

Back in my long-ago LOTR/RPS days, inspired by Tolkien’s passage re: Aragorn (“The hands of the king are the hands of a healer, and so shall the rightful King be known”), I wrote a story in which Viggo Mortensen (who I am pretty sure IS a king and CAN do anything, so it wasn’t such a stretch) performs a shamanic healing based on the ancient _Rúnatáls-þáttr-Óðins_ … y’know, like you do. (Those were the DAYS, kids! The epic crazy-ass shit we wrote!) The rite involved the use of a hand-drum, traditionally associated with Norse _seiðr_ and other spirit-travel traditions. I have a long-running passion for drums of this kind. Percussion is key to the concept of entrainment, in which rhythm induces trance states among multiple listeners. Unfortunately, this state can tip over into seizure, as it does here for Kíli.

**6 after**

Kíli’s sense of disgrace is acute because he has no idea what he did, what people saw, what they think of him. He relies on Fíli to break the bad news to him, and imagination (that cruel mistress) supplies the rest. The brothers’ shame is shared.


End file.
